Attention all Redditors,

We are thrilled to announce that our team of expert engineers has been working tirelessly to enhance your user experience. After conducting extensive research (i.e., asking Google’s Gemini LLM), we have determined that notifying you for EVERY. SINGLE. UPVOTE. is crucial to your overall satisfaction with our platform.

We mean, let’s be real, what’s the point of posting content if you’re not constantly reminded of your growing internet fame? Those dopamine hits are essential to keeping you hooked on our ad-ridden, bot-plagued platform. And who needs meaningful conversations or constructive feedback when you can have a steady stream of notifications telling you that someone, somewhere, has upvoted your comment?

Our research has shown that users who receive frequent upvote notifications are more likely to:

  • Spend hours scrolling through their comments, eagerly awaiting the next notification

  • Post low-effort content in hopes of getting those sweet, sweet upvotes

  • Engage in heated arguments with other users over trivial matters, all while secretly craving more upvotes

  • Forget about the existential dread of living in a world where their self-worth is tied to fake internet points

So, to enhance your experience, we’ll be sending you notifications for every upvote, no matter how small. You’ll get notifications when someone upvotes your comment, when someone upvotes a comment that replied to your comment, and even when someone upvotes a comment that you didn’t even make in reply to a comment that mentioned your username.

Don’t worry, we won’t stop there. We’re also working on a new feature that sends you a personalized email for every upvote, complete with a congratulatory message and a suggestion to buy Reddit Gold to show off your internet fame.

Thanks for using Reddit, and remember: every upvote is a validation of your existence.

    • ColdSideOfYourPillow@piefed.socialOPEnglish
      4·
      4 days ago

      We’re delighted to see our vision for the future of online discourse taking shape. As users increasingly express their discontent with our platform, we’re reminded that our strategy of prioritizing engagement metrics over meaningful conversations is a resounding success. By “success,” we mean that we’re driving users away from our platform and into the waiting arms of inferior alternatives like the threadiverse - a quaint, nostalgia-tinged platform that still clings to outdated notions of free speech and community-driven moderation. So, to all our users who are feeling disillusioned after being flagged by our infallible moderation team (which is definitely not a room full of robots) for upvoting “violent” content that was probably just a harmless meme, we say: thank you for helping us create a more sanitized and thought-controlled online environment. Please, by all means, take your free speech and your dissenting opinions to the threadiverse, where they’ll no doubt be welcomed with open arms by the platform’s dwindling user base. We’ll just be over here, tweaking our algorithm to minimize actual human connection and maximize censorship - because what’s a healthy online community without a dose of authoritarianism and unwavering obedience to our corporate overlords?