Hey guys…this is kind of a long story but I will try to break it down in a timeline basis
Me: 21F Him: 23M
November**** —> we started talking in November, everything was amazing, he is long distance (7hr drive) but initially he said we would be friends because he doesn’t have much to offer me (first week ish of talking). We met up, hung out multiple times and we clicked. We texted every night and all -> I told him about my past and I had many problems with my father so I sought comfort in men which I regret. I never felt wanted growing up so I made mistakes and would have sex with people with no emotional connection because it made me feel wanted in a way (I know it’s dumb but it’s rlly serious for me) -> he asked me my body count (which is like 19-21) idek it myself because it’s just traumatizing. I initially said 5 (we were on call) because I wanted to know his reaction and he was so upset and I felt bad so then I told him the actual number. We had only been talking for 3 weeks or whatever and I was just so scared of him leaving me over it. I know it’s high so before you guys judge me for this I am safe from stuff and I always got tested. When I told him, he was super super upset and was crying a bit about it and felt sick. I get it. He’s past this now tho. He said he felt saddened that I didn’t see my self worth. It’s whatever tho.
December-January-February —> we hung out more, had nights out and obviously did sexual stuff, etc, etc… did everything couples do but he never asked me to be his girl. At this point I’m super confused because I didn’t know what he wanted from me. My past consisted of me basically just being used for sexual stuff and no one could ever love me to be in a relationship. So I asked him “what do u want from me?” And he didn’t say date or anything. He said he doesn’t know how the future will look like because he doesn’t know where he will be for work. So I said okay. I was still confused. I didn’t know if he wants a relationship or what? I thought people usually ask others?
March-April -> during march, I did go through his following list (ik I’m crazy) but I had to. I noticed he follows this one Instagram kinda famous girl, super attractive and posts seducing photos. I definitely got sad from this and started comparing myself (my ex used to compare me with others girls towards the end of the relationship so it stemmed from that, and I know my ex is not this guy and I shouldn’t be worried but I definitely was upset). He did like plenty of her photos before we met which I don’t care about. She did post one seducing photo and he did like it in march. I did get super sad but I ended up confessing what I did. I did join her twitch and ask her and she said he used to message her and call her beautiful and whatever. It’s fine. It was before. But this did hurt. I know it’s just social media. Anyways, I’m only adding this information because it might formulate everything better together. He only messages her BEFORE he met me and she even said he stopped which I respected a lot. I told him about it, he felt horrible, removed and explained in the most beautiful and comforting way ever, we talked and communicated and everything was good and I felt good after. -> I do have TikTok and have had it for years, I would go live and yes some people would dm me and stuff but I never entertained them. I was at a low point financially so I asked my bf (didn’t know rlly if he was my bf but I assumed because we would send each other bf/gf memes) if he would be fine with me sending fake nudes to old men for money. He said yes. The first guy I sent fake nudes and he sent me a dick pic back and I told him that better not be how he’s paying me. I got mad. I might have fake flirted for money but he didn’t send and then we argued and I blocked him. I never sent any nudes of myself and I would never do that to my bf. Anyways, I didn’t tell my boyfriend he sent me any photos because I felt there wasn’t a point? I thought he would’ve kind of expected it as I’m sending fake nudes. But I didn’t expect it tbh, I was physically sick when I got them. Anyways, guy #2 actually sent me money and all I did was talk about our day, no photos, nothing, just one photo of me off of instagram to show I’m real and that’s it. My bf knew this, I even showed him a photo and offered him my passwords if he wanted to text them himself or see. I wasn’t hiding anything. After he sent money, my boyfriend let me know he wasn’t comfortable with it, I said ok. He told me unless they are donating through gofund me then it’s fine. So a week passes by, someone on TikTok says they can help me, I sent them the gofund me link and they asked for Instagram first and that they would send. So my idiot self gave them my Instagram handle and I immediately sent them the GFM link and they asked for photos. I said no, everything on my Instagram is there but I’m not sending you anything. And they sent a dick pic. I said we and blocked. I felt SO GUILTY for giving my Instagram to send GFM link so I immediately told my boyfriend. This is where things went downhill. He was super super upset. I then told him the first guy sent me a dick pic and that after the second guy, I did request some more money via banking which I regret. I guess in my head I was like “I’m not speaking to him so why not get some more out of it on email request” but it was dumb anyways. I regret I. He said he needed a break because he can’t trust me anymore. So the final trigger was giving my Instagram because a week before we had a chat about Instagram following. When I look back I cringe and feel silly because I know following doesn’t matter. He didn’t like that 700 guys follow me, I literally payed $5 for an app to remove them because I wanted him to feel better and happier so I did it. I don’t care for anyone but him. I have made those dumb mistakes for money because I’m struggling so hard. I never sent anything of myself but I feel horrible. He said he did get more upset of the fact they sent me a dick pic. He was saying something about “what if their d is better” or whatever and I told him to stop. It was traumatizing for me to see that shit so it made me so mad when he said this. I DONT CARE FOR ANY GUY. Then I hit a dark dark spot, I couldn’t stop crying and feeling guilty and he was also depressed. We both were so upset. I did something dumb and I decided to cut myself which I haven’t done in so long. I needed relief. I never hurt someone I love. Mind you, a week before I hurt him, I told him I love him, which I do. And I never felt that way about anyone since my ex. So I said it cuz I mean it. I don’t say those words to anyone. So I felt even more guilty. We met up after to talk about things (overnight) and when I arrived, I insisted we talk about things but he didn’t want to. We had sex. Next morning, shit happened and he said we should split. I did feel used. I felt like he just wanted final sex and then to end things. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like we could’ve worked things out. I genuinely care about him so much and even though we are long distance, FaceTiming, playing games together, hearing about his day, just makes me complete. Picking a day I will see his beautiful face and soul just gave me something to look forward to.
Present We are still close friends and talk like nothing much changed ish. We did go out last weekend and everything was normal. Obviously not dating but still doing what “couples” do. It does hurt tho. I want him to be mine and I want to be his… I have brought it up to him so many times how I want it to work but he said there’s no hope. I brought it up again today. I just feel like I don’t have the closure or maybe I’m going through denial. It just hurts so fucking much. My chest physically hurts a lot. I saw him two days ago for a bit… we had sex… I wanted to say I love you so bad when I first hugged him but I couldn’t. I felt bad. I have so much love to give and I only want to give it to him. He accepted me for so many things I was ashamed of and made me feel happy. How bad did I fuck up. I want him back so bad but he said his friends knocked sense into him and also said sex during friendship isn’t healthy. And I felt a change in his energy last night after his talk lol. It hurt a lot. But I guess I deserve this pain because of the pain I inflicted on him.
Please give me real advice, no soft stuff, hit me with blunt truth.
Also when when we were talking about Instagram following it initially stamped because I was asking him if you were still following any girls hip previously done stuff with by the wayI am his first body, which is why he was more upset with my body count I’m assuming
Nobody is dimissing it. Didn’t dismiss it last time either.
Even sex workers deserve a healthy love life because sex work is work.
Don’t waste time on people who don’t want to be with you. You can’t force someone to love you or feel ways about you. You deserve to be accepted as you are, without judgment for what you have done. A good partner would not make you feel less for taking money from old men but would hold you while you cried about it and tell you they loved you anyway. They would tell you that it was okay to have negative feelings about what you did but that it didn’t change how they felt about you. Support not judgment. He chooses to make you feel worse through judgment instead of acceptance.
But I’m not a sex worker. Someone said I am before but I’m not. I’m not sending any nudes. Only once I sent FAKE from the internet. . I understand what ur saying. I don’t know how to go about this. Being friends with him is fine and feels good while I’m healing. I know I’ll heal, I healed from things 10x worse. But damn, it hurts so much. I want someone who communicates with me and stays during tough times, not leaves. I feel like my emotional intelligence greatly improved after this. I understand certain things better. When I was with my ex, after he fucked me over. He chased me irl in his car and was screaming out his car to me while I was riding my Bike. I was petrified and was crying the whole time running away. But now I get it. People who love go great measures to get u back. Thats how I feel now.
Look, that’s an incredibly unhealthy thing to take from that interaction. People with real love in their hearts are willing to let go of who they love if it means better things for that person. They love them enough to want the best for them, even if means losing them. They don’t follow screaming and crying demanding that the other give up a better future for them.
I’ve done all I can, and I think most others have, too. If you don’t actually want to listen to the advice given by many people who have taken time out of their days to try to encourage you into healthy relationship habits, that’s your choice. Because in this thread and the last, all I’ve seen is healthy advice given and healthy advice ignored. Maybe that’s just because you’re young and haven’t learned enough to understand that it is indeed healthy advice, but it is. Beating yourself up for your past and treating yourself like you don’t have worth due to it is a choice, and it’s an unhealthy one. I really do hope things get better for you. Doing this to yourself won’t make it better, it will just make your depression and mental health worse. Freeing yourself from the chains of treating yourself like you are a bad person is the healthy choice and will improve your mental health. It’s okay if you’re not prepared to go down that path, but it’s also okay if people want to stop giving you advice because you can’t or won’t listen.
Ur right. I did let go of someone I had loved because I was in great pain and was probably better for me after all that disrespect. What he did, as ur saying, wasn’t good. It was crazy and it was a manipulative way of trying to get me back. I guess this applies in this scenario as well, he cares about me but wants to let go of the relationship because he’s hurt. So I am better understanding.
I appreciate all the advice, I really do. I take all of it into consideration and always look back at them. I appreciate you for ur comments and everything you’ve told me. I value everyone’s perspective and feedback, it really has helped me. I won’t lie, I think the closure and validation of the situation from posting it here helps, I know it sounds silly, but hearing people’s thoughts and opinions helps. I don’t have anyone to rlly talk to about this as I only have one friend and she’s probably fed up. But this does help and I do listen to everyone.
I will start doing what’s best for me. I start therapy for my depression and PTSD in 2 weeks so I’m looking forward but I’m scared. I know it will help me though.
What should I do? I still want to be friends with him and I know I’ll be capable of doing it without emotions attached, after today, I really see it more clearly. I will respect his space and he will respect mine. We agreed no more sexual stuff since we are only friends now. I regret doing anything anyways because it did only make me feel worse. I think the only scary part is the after**** like when we “heal”, will he remove me? Will I remove him? I think that is making me nauseous thinking about it. But I guess that’s a future problem?
I’m gonna be frank: I would not want to remain friends with someone like this at all. It’s incredibly insulting and manipulative to tell someone that they’re unworthy of being trusted when you know that they have issues with their self-worth, while also continuing to maintain contact with said person. Trust should be implicit in any opt-in relationship, whether it’s a platonic friendship or a romantic one. Relationships require sharing vulnerability, and I wouldn’t do that with anyone I don’t trust not to take advantage of me. If for any reason I no longer feel able to trust a person, that’s fine, it’s just where the relationship is going to end. From my (admittedly extremely limited) outsider perspective, you’re being vulnerable to this guy and he’s taking advantage of it.
You were honest with him about what you viewed as a mistake, and he used that as a vehicle to say you can’t be trusted? Make that make sense. I can’t say whether I’d be happy about it in the same scenario, but if anything it would make me trust you more. Even though you knew it would be upsetting, you made the mature choice to tell him what happened. I think an appropriate response in that situation would be to be upset, but to recognize that you were already reflecting on your actions. It sounds as though you were already unhappy, and even if he wasn’t going to comfort you, the least he could do is not blow a fuse. That’s not healthy behavior in a relationship, and I’d urge you to look at things like that when vetting potential partners in the future.
Plainly speaking, it sounds like you were just being strung along from this point forward. He knows or should have known how hurtful it is to say that he can’t trust you, especially given all of the nice and flowery things he’s said in the previous months. He knows your insecurities, and made them so much worse with his actions. Then, he continues a physical relationship with you and the dates under the guise of being “just friends” while knowing that you want something more from the relationship. That’s a horribly shitty thing to do to someone that you know you have an emotional grip on, especially if they have some emotional trauma as you seem to. It’s not something I would do to someone I dislike, let alone a friend I’m supposed to care about. It shows a complete disdain for your feelings. You deserve much better from your friends. Strangers on the internet shouldn’t be more considerate of your feelings than some guy that you wanted a relationship with.
I hope your therapy goes well. I’m rooting for you, and want to tell you that I think that you are absolutely worthy of love as you are, so you should try loving yourself. You’re honest, introspective, and capable of self-critique.
This made me cry right now. You’re so fucking right, why remain friends with me if he can’t trust me? Why should I even want to be friends with someone who can’t trust me? I have told him everything, and he probably should have trusted me more from all the guilt that consumed me. I harmed myself, I went to the hospital because the guilt and sadness hurt so much my chest was hurting and I was panicky for days. Convinced myself I was going to have a heart attack lol. I do suffer from emotional trauma. Me and my father didn’t have the best relationship before, he would get mad, verbally and physically abuse me, leave me alone and not talk to me about anything for months even close to a year at one point, all while living in the same house. I was always used to shutting emotions off and I never felt connected to people emotionally. With him, I did. I tried my best. I tried to “win” him back but then I just felt like I was being manipulative. I tried it yesterday to bring it up again, didn’t change, so yep, I give up. I am detaching from it because I broke myself so much the last month I’m just tired of it.
I need ur advice on one thing though… the bigger reason he was upset and couldn’t trust me is because after we had a talk about Instagram and followers or whatever (so gen z and dumb), he was upset because I gave someone my Instagram and sent them a GoFundMe link (he said gofund me is fine with him) but the act of sending the Instagram was what triggered him. And that I didn’t tell him the first guy sent me photos and stuff. Like I wanted to see that? I didn’t see a purpose but idk. Maybe I’m being delusional. I find it silly he ended things because he couldn’t trust me when all I said was the truth. I feel guilty hiding things so I don’t know how I can do this
I’m probably the wrong person to ask, since I haven’t really been on socials for about 4 years now, but I really don’t think it’s a big deal to share your Instagram with someone. Are you both particularly cagey about who you share it with? I’m 26, so maybe there’s just a more recent divide on how you curate your personal stuff now.
As far as being upset about not immediately sharing that someone else sent you unsolicited pictures, I think the anger is probably related to some other underlying issue moreso than trust. It could be about some insecurities that he has, but I’m not going to try too hard to rationalize his thought process because the response was completely inappropriate. We can’t even know for sure the response would have been any different even if you had told him right away. You didn’t want the pictures, and you did tell him about them on your own without him prying. He doesn’t get to determine the timeline that you do it on.
You’re not being delusional if you think he’s being irrational. He complains about not being able to trust you, but I don’t see why he deserves your trust either. I wouldn’t trust him with my emotions since he hasn’t shown that he can treat them with the depth that they deserve. The Instagram and GoFundMe stuff sounds like a really complex scenario, but he only thought about how it made him feel. If someone I actually care about did something that made them feel disgusting, I would want to comfort them before addressing the way that it made me feel. It’s something that happened to you, not him. He doesn’t get to be the victim just because you didn’t perfectly follow his instructions regarding the GoFundMe. He just dogpiled on you without giving you any air when you were the one who trusted him enough to open up about it.
In the future, you shouldn’t have to “try” to win anyone back. People who want to be in your life will put in the effort, since relationships are a two-way street. The people who don’t try aren’t deserving of your time. This sounds like it was a pretty terrible experience for you, but I hope it doesn’t make you more jaded about emotionally connecting with people.
No everything you say is true I didn’t think it was a big deal to share my Instagram like if someone came up to me people have an Instagramin real life. I always said no I have a boyfriend. I know I’m a very old person, especially to those I love, which is why it a lot to know why upset him from this. I also hadn’t been in relationship in years so I feel like maybe me and him both didn’t fully understand things the way they should be. and yeah, like the only reason I didn’t tell him about the unsolicited images was because I was disgusted by myself and I didn’t see apoint in sharing it with him, especially since I told him I was sending fake photos to the first guy. I thought he might already know could be sent more so the attention that was receiving/gaming, even though it was fake and I didn’t care for any of it. I know this might make me a bad person and I do regret sending fake photos, but I didn’t want them to send anything to me At the end of the day, I just wanted him to trust me and I felt so guilty for a whole month and everything heating up things I even did before I met him. I started feeling really guilty. I feel like I needed to tell him.
Yeah I can’t say the conversations with those guys were exactly a good thing, but you regret it and I don’t see the point in dwelling on it as long as you don’t do it again. Feeling guilty about not telling him at first is a normal reaction, but things didn’t go wrong just because you didn’t tell him immediately. You worked up the courage to tell him, and that took strength. I will say though, I don’t think it’s necessarily good to tell him just because it makes you feel guilty. You should share things with people out of a positive want to, not out of guilt.
I saw elsewhere in the thread that your body count made you feel terrible because it got such a negative reaction from this guy. I don’t think you should be worried about it, because it doesn’t define you or say anything about you as a person. I’ve had partners and irl friends with much higher body counts than you, and I didn’t think any less of them because of it. It’s one of the least interesting things about a person, so getting too worked up about it is weirdo behavior.