I’m 19M, my girlfriend is 17F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. Her family has no idea though, because she refuses to tell them; and it honestly hurts. My family loves her. Her family’s Muslim and she says that’s the reason she can’t tell them yet, but she will… eventually. I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country. I’ve never pressured her about it but it still upsets me.
Why does it upset you?
I understand your pain. I (37m) and my husband (43m) are in a loving relationship for about 15 years now. Due to the cultural differences of my husband’s family, he has not declared our relationship to his family (living in his home country). They probably know we’re more than roommates. They like me. But nothing is outspoken. (His homecountry also has a 7y prison sentence for same sex relations)
Like peer comments mentioned. It’s their decision how and when to communicate to their family. It’s not easy, but if you truly love your significant other, you’ll find a way to accept.
Try and ask her the real reason why she might be reluctant. “Because they’re muslim” is not a really strong argument; “because they are fundamentalist and they might extrange me as daughter or prevent me fron leaving the house if they found out” is a very practical explaination on this compromise she decided to take.
Families are complicated and sometimes shitty, but it’s her family and navigating around you and them could be difficult (she might love her parents and want to maintain a relationship with them, or she hates them but relies on their financial support, both options are valid)
I can understand her hesitation if her parents are on the conservative side.
You live in a free country but until she is 18 the parents have a lot to say. Even after the age of 18 and moved away from home she has to consider their wishes or risk having her family refusing to have any contact.
You actually don’t get that they are muslim, at best they won’t be happy that she is seeing someone and that someone isn’t muslim. At worst this can go into honor killing territory. In general it’s best not to be involved.
Honour killing is such a rare thing, I find what you are saying blatantly islamophobe tbh. Do you know how many Muslims there are in the world?
And yet, she is obviously afraid.
I’ve just stated that it’s a possibility, and at worst. These things really happen, if rarely, point was it’s better not to force an issue if other party is unwilling.
At best, they will be upset
At worst, they will murder
Jesus fucking christ.
First off, at worst, anyone is going to murder anyone. You clearly have never dated someone and met their father who was on the edge of murder.
Second, at best they won’t be happy? So according to you, every single muslim hates their child dating someone who isn’t muslim and won’t be happy? Guess I better tell that to literally every muslim I’ve dated whose parents didn’t give a solitary shit and were actively supportive of their gay kid. Or my friends who’ve dated/married muslims and were accepted into the families while being Jewish or Atheist or Protestant.
What is this racist bullshit? Fuck off, dude.
First, religion is not a race. Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority. Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
First, religion is not a race.
Might want to educate yourself on what racism is because Islamophobia is considered a subset of racism. Source 1, Source 2, Source 3.
Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority.
Which is irrelevant unless OP lives in the same area you’re from. You also did not clarify that and spoke about Muslims as a whole, you did not clarify level of secularity.
Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
I doubt anecdotal evidence from you personally is reflective of reality in your area, nevermind world wide.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
And again, anecdotal evidence from your specific area. That isn’t reflective of reality and it is racist as shit for you to go “My experiences reflect reality as a whole.”
So. I say again. What is this racist bullshit? Fuck off, dude.
Sometime I forget that wrongthink is not allowed around lemmy. You are perfectly fine with giving right answer even if it can bring horrible result.
Make up whatever narrative you want in order to protect your ego.
You’re just a bigot.
What is this racist bullshit?
Not engaging with any other part of your comment, but is Islam a race, now? I thought it was a religion.
Race and religion are fundamentally different, one is a trait you’re born with that you have no control over, the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from. I’m sick of this “you need to respect everyone’s religion” bullshit. No, I cannot respect an ideology which promotes stoning gays, and anyone who does is a moron.
the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from.
Tell that to every gay muslim who can’t speak out.
It’s so frustrating constantly seeing people use the “Muslims stoning gay men to death” thing while never thinking about those gay men other than as a fucking scapegoat.
As for your shit about one is a trait you’re born with that you have no control over… You think that doesn’t apply to religion? You think that a dude born in the middle of Saudi Arabia is going to get a say on what religion he grows up under?
Yes. Religion has problems. Many fucking problems. But handwaving it away as something that you have no control over is a minimization of reality and a fundamental demonstration that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
Don’t use us gay folk as an example for your hatred when you don’t care about the gay folks INSIDE of that group. Things are not as black and white as you want to believe that they are.
And all of that without bothering to point out that you’re being just as bigoted by acting like every single Muslim is absolutely the same.
Well yes, the whole situation is complicated, I don’t advocate hatred towards religious people, I just think that religion should be criticised like any other ideology, and eventually left behind by society. I think that every person should have the privilege of growing up in a society that isn’t hateful and given the kind of education that would allow them to form their own beliefs, not just blindly inherit them. Sadly we are still far from that.
I used that as an example because it was the first thing that came to mind, I could have used any of the other million religious beliefs I disagree with, this isn’t about people, it’s about ideas
It isn’t complicated.
I responded to a dude who was being openly discriminatory and you responded in such a way to say “No, I’m allowed to discriminate because nonsensical reasoning.”
It is as simple as the fact that you are a hateful bigot.
The fact that the girlfriend doesn’t want to tell her family is kind of a hint that they won’t be happy about the relationship. So being upset is kind of the best outcome in this situation.
It’s nice that you and also I have met nice muslims who encouraged their kids do love whoever they want. In this specific scenario I would trust the girlfriend though, because she knows her family better than us.
Okay. Not sure what your comment has to do with me calling this dude out for being bigoted though. None of that is “permission” to be bigoted.
I don’t think anyone who mentions that honor killings are a thing is saying that. Honor killings have been recognized by amnesty international as being a distinct threat to women worldwide that is present in America as well specific to Muslim majority countries in the Middle East and Asia.
I think any child has the potential of being killed by their angry parents, it’s happened very frequently from people of all backgrounds, but it’s ok to admit that a Muslim girl who doesn’t want to introduce you to her parents could be motivated by the fear of death or abuse in a very specific way. And i think it’s ok to tell this kid that this is a possible additional pressure based on her culture.
But it’s fair to say this has happened like a half dozen times in the US in two decades. That might feel like a lot, but considering the sheer number of Muslims who live in this country, that might as not happen at all.
I can keep both of these ideas in my head at the same time and not have a weird, knee-jerk meltdown in the comments!
If she knows the backlash will be insane and she still has to live there, totally understandable. Make sure you’re aligned on where to go with this in the future. If she truly wants to choose a life with you she may have to break with her family at some point. You can’t expect her to be ready for that at this time, but you also shouldn’t be strung along if she never sees an actual future with you. Good relationships require honesty on both sides and great communication.
Understand that women in muslim families often have little freedom and that marriage with non-muslims is traditionally prohibited for them, if her family sees a problem with you, she could get beaten for that, locked inside the house, etc. It’s not something to mess around with.
She could also be murdered.
Religion of peace bro. Let’s import 2.3m more
So we as society just accept these behaviors as normal and should work around them 🤡
What do you suggest we do?
Don’t tell a young buck being on such relationship is OK.
He should not be wasting his time on this. This is not a his problem. These people are the problem. Nothing good is going to come out for him out of this.
Respect her and her needs. If she doesn’t want, there are good reasons for that.
She is underage, so that also counts maybe?
Maybe she is protecting you, or herself… Can you tell?
You may live in the west, be fairly liberal and think all that religious stuff is old gen but often different cultures don’t live by western standards and stick to their archaic rules. I dated a girl for a few years from a different culture, she was too scared to tell her dad and said she would get disowned by her family… so what to do… anyway didnt end well as i wanted to settle. A year later after we broke up she was dating someone from her culture, she calls me crying and says shes pregnant and wish she had just not given a fuck about what her family thought, fuked me up quite bad tbh like.
Try get a feel of the her familly, if you think you will never get accepted, then better to walk now, you’ll find someone else.
Muslim extremists murder or maim girls who have “shamed the family” in the west too.
What about this situation is causing you to be upset?
Is she the oldest child?
And maybe she is scared that her family will kick her out. Having to do school without a family network can be very hard. Common advice for gay teens with homophobic parents is to wait with coming out until you have moved out.
And yes, you love her and you’ll support her but then she will be very dependent on you and your relationship will become lopsided. You don’t want that. You want her to be with you because she loves you. So please be patient with the person you love.
It shouldn’t upset you. If it was some dumb high school drama shit that would be one thing, but she’s witholding the relationship from her family for a reason and you have nothing to gain by them knowing about it. It’s not affecting you or your relationship with her, that’s her business on her time. If you don’t like it, break up and date someone else but that’d be a pretty selfish dick move on your part.
Well it clearly is affecting their relationship otherwise OP wouldn’t be posting. They are currently having to live on edge and hide their relationship, that will have negativr effects, can’t go into the family home, maybe evenfear of being recognized in public. Its not a dick move to leave the relationship, its self preservation and can hve mental effects continuing on such a path.
His self importance is effecting the relationship. Teens have been abandoned by their families for far less, she’s protecting herself and dealing with his selfishness.
Don’t get involved in her family drama. Just don’t.
It will happen eventually and he will be disposed of.
She’s underage. I take her Muslim background is different from yours. And every family is an environment unique and different from other families. No matter that it’s a free country and all that, it’s her family, she lives with them, she has to endure the consequences of disclosing the relationship. Not you.
Do you have a plan to move out with her when she tells them if it comes to that? Have you thought it through? Is this what you really want? Is this what she really wants? Don’t fuck her whole life just because you’re upset.
