I feel like I’m just going with the paces. Not actively participating in life. I often think I was given life to only serve other people and to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone. Every time I try to do something that I want to, something always seems to get in the way. I want to work on my book in a café? The place is packed. I try to work on it in a park? Wifi becomes shit and suddenly 20 people show up and suddenly I’m in the middle of a crowd that’s yelling, talking, laughing, and just being obnoxious. I tried to go buy something I want? A random bill comes up or a family member asks for money and I can’t buy it. I want companionship? I have to call a family member since I have no friends outside of my family but suddenly everyone is busy. I get no calls from anyone to do something. Only empty promises. “Yeah, we’ll have dinner tomorrow. Or wait, sorry, next week. Or…sorry I’m going to have to let you know.”

So, it seems like life doesn’t want me to have fun. I try to be friendly. I like to make people laugh and I often do but it all seems so superficial. Small talk with strangers who I’ll never see again. So, I just lie in bed with a podcast playing in the background to simulate people around me. I play video games to simulate being a hero and being wanted. If life doesn’t want me to participate, then I won’t. I’ll just continue to serve.

Why was I given life if this is what I was meant to do with it? I wish I was given a choice.

Sorry for the rambling. I don’t have anyone to talk to so I just wanted to get it out of my system.