Recently, our daughter (17 in June) told my wife and me that she has started dating not 1, but 2 guys. No introductions needed since we already know them; they’ve been close friends of hers for quite some time now. Daughter put it as: why do I have to choose if I like them both and they don’t mind sharing?
I just don’t like it.
Back in high school I had 4 girlfriends (at the same time). It didn’t mean anything, we never even kissed lol just hang out and go places. Eventually I realized it was just too much and started to see what I like and disliked about them. It didn’t last long. Then in college I just dated one girl at a time. Then I met this one girl that the teacher put us in a group project, we kept texting and kept in contact with, went on a few dates here and there… and eventually became my wife.
Such emotions
are oftencan be triggered by ignorance - that’s not a negative, we are all ignorant in one way or another. What counts is what we do with that ignorance. Your daughter is in a polyamorous relationship or something similar to that. I would recommend you educate yourself about what that is, what kinds of healthy poly relationships can exist, what kinds of unhealthy ones can, and learn how to accept that your daughter is different - just like you are.Seminal reading on the subject, which I would also recommend your daughter pick up, is The Ethical Slut.
Edit: You are not a bad person for feeling what you feel. But you are an intelligent being, capable of thought and reasoning, that doesn’t have to simply give in to emotions. How would you feel if somebody found out about something that makes you you, felt icky, and did nothing to question that emotion but simply gave in and treated you accordingly regardless of your other attributes?
In general, your emotional reaction to things doesn’t make you a bad person. How you respond to it might.
I think trying to interfere as long as there’s nothing physically dangerous or nonconsensual going on would make you a bad person. The fact that you’re asking this question suggests you don’t plan to do that.
What specifically don’t you like about it?
Increased exposure to STDs,
increased risk of emotional abuse (most grown adults fail with poly relations),
increased risk of physical abuse, especially with young men being hot headed and often hierarchy minded
increased risk of sexual abuse, “you are already dating two guys, why dont you want a threesome/gangbang, dont act like this” risk of pregnancy with denial by both potential fathers, or dispute about who takes the father role
increased risk to develop commitment issues (those are already prevalent enough in our times)None of these have to manifest, but it is perfectly reasonable for a parent to have an instant gut feeling against this.
My question was about OP’s feelings specifically. I could compile a list for or against myself, that wasn’t what I was asking for.
My Dad in the 80s had two girlfriends in different towns when he was around that age. This ain’t anything new.
I don’t have kids, so I don’t really have a dog in this fight. I think it’s reasonable to feel weird about someone doing something you’re not used to. So long as they’re happy, nobody is getting hurt, and nobody is a jerk about it, everything should be fine. Like, if both guys know about one another then cool, if she’s two-timing both then maybe a discussion needs to be had.
Bit of a tangent: It’s weird to me how against things like polyamory or swinging North American society seems to be. I’ve seen people talk about cheating with less confusion and apprehension. Is it so alien that more than two people can consensually enjoy each other’s company? Archie comics have been a staple here for years, and those crazy kids are deffo in a proto-polycule.
Its not that weird considering the puritanical background and christian fascism thats infected everything.
Being worried about such a set up, especially with teenagers, who are emotionally and physically underdeveloped, where things going wrong can have life long consequences (STDs, unwanted pregnancy, trauma from emotional/physical/sexual abuse), it is perfectly reasonable to be worried, without it having anything to do with puritanism or christian fascism. These consequences are already possible with a monogamous relationship and get more likely with poly relationships.
It should be the parental instinct to be worried about their teenagers getting romantically active and to watch out for their children, without directly preventing them from doing thing or forcing them into hiding. It is only logical that this instinct gets more worried if not one but two, or even more people that could be a threat to their child are involved.
May God bless you in the advice you give and the discipline you may have to supply. Don’t be timid in expressing your decisions. Include God and morality when explaining your decisions.
Funnily enough, in the 50’s and 60’s - parents were often more concerned with their kiddos “going steady” and preferred them to date around.
Polyamory is definitely dicey without a lot of emotional maturity (tbh I don’t think most adults could handle it), but also teenage dating drama is silly. As long as she’s safe and happy, you should probably just be okay with it.
Sucks but being a helicopter parent is only going to destroy your relationship.
Decide what is more important.
There are a lot of discussions about polyamory which is all valid. That usually means for more serious relationships. However, I would like to point out that casually dating multiple people is very common and has been for a while. Especially early in a relationship this was always a thing. There have been multiple names over time about this “going steady”, “exclusive”, “boyfriend / girlfriend”, “pinning” etc. which has gone back decades.
If you look there was a lot of parents of teens from the 50s complaining that their son/daughter was only dating a single woman/guy. So take that into account
Seriously, look what tinder and bumble did to us 10 years ago. After my divorce I dated multiple women, sometimes at the same time, I was rediscovering myself. It’s normal, as long as you’re not taking advantage of someone else.
Exactly. Dating apps just digitally what people used to do in meat space. Casual dating has always been common and there has always been a point that it becomes “Exclusive” or monogamous.
Its better and healthy than being serial monogamy where you jump from serious commitment to serious commitment.
thanks I never want to hear real life described as “meat space” ever again
Lmao
Bring her and the boyfriends on Maury
For what it’s worth, I’ve been in a (M)MF relationship for going on 6 years, if you have anything you want to ask about, you can DM me.
Polyamory is a bit like gender identity or sexual orientation. Some people (like me) are just not wired for full-time monogamous nesting relationships in the same way that a straight person isn’t likely to feel sexual attraction to a member of the same sex. Consider how you might feel if your daughter came out as gay, or non-binary. Would your reaction be different?
She’s still growing and developing. I think one of the biggest changes between our generation (X, Millenial, maybe older end of Z) and the younger generation is that there isn’t this fear or stigma about trying out alternative lifestyles. It doesn’t mean that they are inherently more or less likely to be queer or non-monogamous, it means they are more free to try these identities on and see if they fit with a reduced risk of being socially ostracized.
It’s very possible that your daughter is just trying this out. Completely independent of your reaction, it is completely feasible that she determines that she (or her partner(s)) figure out that it is not a good fit on her/their own. Regardless of that outcome, your behavior around this will affect your relationship with her. You can be uncomfortable, you can even communicate to her that you are uncomfortable, as long as you still give her space to explore, and I think she will continue to confide in you and trust you with this kind of access into her life as she matures into an adult.
For what it’s worth, I think most people assume monogamy is a default, but I believe it should be a conscious choice. It is absolutely the best choice for MOST people, but I think we would all be happier if we navigated into our relationship styles based on informed decisions, rather than societal expectations.
You’re not a bad person, but neither is she?
IMHO, If they’re caring, respectful and fully aware of the situation who am I to judge.
Keep in mind… most other teens would have ended up doing exactly that, but without telling either guy nor you.
I think that’s quite mature and level-headed of her to have been upfront about this actually. 🤷♂️It’s perfectly fine to not like it and as long as you don’t force your view on your daughter, you are not a bad person.
But you sure as hell are a bad person if you don’t accept your daughters stance. Because as long as it is known to and accepted by all participants, it’s nobodies business but theirs. Nobody gets hurt by it? Nobody should interfere.
