I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.

I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.

I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.

Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.

This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.

In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.

I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!

  • Dasus@lemmy.world
    0·
    19 days ago

    As a man, men think women care about looks more than they do.

    Looks are much bigger for men than for women.

    Obviously a massive generalisation, but in general. Like “men are physically stronger than women”. Not all men are stronger than women but…

    Anyway.

    Looks really don’t matter that much. I’d say women pay more attention to personality with the same difference as there is between how much men value looks vs how women value looks.

    Also, if I was being very crude, I’d say “status” is the “looks” for women. That’s what you get very beautiful women with older rich men more than you do young hot men with old riches women.

    But I’d like not to be crude so disregard that last bit.

    • RBWells@lemmy.world
      0·
      19 days ago

      I can’t speak for all women, but looks for me are a yes/no binary, but a primary filter. So if a guy looks good enough, attractive to me, then I can be attracted to him if he’s attractive in other ways. But there’s no bonus for better than good enough, better looking doesn’t matter at all. It is quite important - nobody has ever moved out of the appearance “no” bucket into the “yes”. But there is no 1-10 scaling, no consideration beyond the yes/no, I’m never going to be more attracted to a man just because he’s gorgeous.

  • Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works
    0·
    19 days ago

    Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!

    And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).

  • LH0ezVT@sh.itjust.works
    0·
    19 days ago

    Bro, I’d love to change with you. I tend to be the opposite, I fear I often come off as aggressive and rude when in fact I am only pissed off at a computer for beeping the wrong way all week.

    You say you have some (good) friends, have you considered just asking that? “How do you perceive me, I worry I look <x>?”

  • Hossenfeffer@feddit.ukEnglish
    0·
    19 days ago

    You do you. Someone will love you and it’s better that they love you than a you you’re pretending to be.

  • mindaika@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
    0·
    17 days ago

    Sure, you can be whatever kind of man you want. You probably won’t find a lot of … “conventionally attractive” women who are into that though

  • Mr Fish@lemmy.world
    0·
    19 days ago

    I see no issue here. A man can absolutely be ‘cute’ without being any less of a man. Masculinity isn’t about rugged looks, strength, dominance, or any of that shit. It’s about self confidence (not arrogance, just being comfortable being yourself) and giving to others, both of which you seem to do well.

    Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t found a partner to match you yet.

  • RaptorBenn@lemmy.zip
    0·
    18 days ago

    Dont write off masculinity altogether, it’s not inherently negative and doesnt just mean being an aggressive gymbro.

    Not gonna give ya any specifics, but I know as I’ve gotten older, the best parts of me are are traits i try to balance the masculine and feminine elements to work in concert, like ying and yang.

  • riverSpirit@thelemmy.clubEnglish
    0·
    19 days ago

    You can, but overall women won’t appreciate it. For all the talk, nearly every couple you see outside is conventional.

    So you’ll be looking at 1% of your dating pool, and having to find a suitable match from that reduced choice.

    • CarbonatedPastaSauce@lemmy.worldEnglish
      0·
      19 days ago

      This guy doesn’t sound basic so why would he want those basic bitches? 😂

      Do you wanna be mostly/sorta/un happy with someone that was easy to get because you were role playing someone else, or do you want to be truly happy with the person that accepted you as you are, but took a lot more effort to find?

      Different people will make different choices in that situation. Everyone has to decide for themselves.

    • LandedGentry@lemmy.zipEnglish
      0·
      19 days ago

      I would say most women is not a useful metric tbh. Most women they encounter in their social circles will likely find them attractive, however.

      • MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip
        0·
        19 days ago

        Oh I am well aware. My current FWB is pan and I am not a manly man’s man. She is obsessed with me even though I do not fit the description of traditional masculinity.

        I make her laugh and climax (not always in that order) so my physical appearance is pretty much irrelevant. It’s a wonderful thing.

      • MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip
        0·
        19 days ago

        It’s not that deep. The vague “ideal man” that most women would find attractive. Think your Henry Cavils of the world. “Manly” men.

        When you intentionally stray from the traits that women are biologically wired to seek in a partner you’re gonna lower the number that find it attractive. Like I’m sure some deer are still attracted to the buck that loses every fight. Just not as many as the one that wins all its fights.

        • oce 🐆@jlai.lu
          0·
          19 days ago

          How do you know this is biological and not a social construct? I am afraid your opinion is based on a lot of stereotypes.

          • MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip
            0·
            19 days ago

            … Based on science and reality. There are endless studies that in general women are more attracted to “masculine” men. Strong looking deep voiced men. Even more so when ovulating. Same way men are hard wired for big boobs and wide hips. Monkey brain wants to make sure our offspring survive birth and are well fed.

            Obviously I understand that many people stray from those biological/evolutionary preferences but they are still the average/norm for most hence my first comment.

            • LandedGentry@lemmy.zipEnglish
              0·
              19 days ago

              based on science and reality

              If you’re going to be that hand wavy and sure about it, then it’s only fair that I respond with “source?”

            • selokichtli@lemmy.ml
              0·
              19 days ago

              There are lots of studies saying that intelligence, a great sense of humor, and wealth are very attractive to women too. What if OP was a PhD, stand up comedian by night with a great job at a university and a wealthy family? I mean, we are not monkeys in the end.