I know that you’re really concerned about being stabbed with knives. But you just need to accept the Hard Truth that you not being stabbed with knives is losing political issue! Really, that’s why we’re losing elections. You can’t have everything that you want. And you need to see where the other side is coming from…

vs

I know that you’re really concerned about being stabbed with knives. One of these candidates is implicitly okay with you being stabbed with knives, and the other wants to personally stab you with even more knives. I recognize the injustice in this and will therefore vote for neither of them! (the worse one won and now you’re being stabbed with even more knives)

Who will win? (spoiler: I don’t know but certainly not you because you’re too busy being stabbed with knives)

Mantle convection as a primary driver of tectonic plate movement

I don’t know why we’d want to

A while ago I became terribly aware of people writing things like “apostrope’s” to indicate plurality. I was pretty convinced that it was a new thing, but I’ve since found examples of people doing that far in the past! I’m not sure if they were doing it at the same rate but they had been doing it for a while.

I know that some foreign language speakers use this as part of their grammar, but they do so according to a rule system. The people I encounter doing this have only ever known american english and do so without any apparent consistency. If you’re going to alter your grammar in that way, at least make it consistent! Like these weirdos. Professionals have standards.

Having my first child taught me the crucial skill of delegation. Prior to this I carried that child around for nine months, but I didn’t let that get in the way of things. I never missed a meeting, not even during labour. I’m still working upwards of 12 hours per day and that’s because I know how to market my child. When a company grows, the founder and leaders are rewarded. The same is true of children. At only four months old my child has a projected net worth of 20 million, and I have crowds of investors looking for a place in their life. Creating market value is a key aspect of a child that many first-time parents overlook.

No, wait, I’m not that old yet right?? Right???

Having the opportunity to buy cake whenever you want, having enough money to buy cake whenever you want, and choosing to not buy cake whenever you want.

Ooo can I have it then?

Back in my day we could think that the future would be better and not worse!

I’LL CRANK MY HOG TO THAT MFER AROOOOO

No! Actually he meant it’d crash if and only if she was elected, which is his way of signalling that he’s replaced by Harris who’s disguised as him like the fake godzilla in godzilla versus mechagodzilla. But even the Deep State couldn’t replicate his lustrous orange sheen. This is why bad things are happening! I can never be wrong!

(sarcasm disclaimer: this is sarcastic)

I lost a friend like this to the cicada cult. One day he’s feeling sympathy for the things and the next he’s stuck himself to a tree and won’t stop screaming. He never stopped after they died, I don’t think his mind could take it.

That’s MY HOUSE you bookstack! You thieving oil barrel! I was IN THAT HOUSE. I STILL AM. Put us down and LET ME OUT. Where is the exit??

Hollow corpses lay strewn about the parking lot. A dark cloud hovers over the once-cheery cheese casino. You hear the screams of the children inside, happy yet awakened to their thirst for blood. It didn’t have to be this way. The contagion was left to grow for too long and you fear your attempt to cleanse it will only strengthen the pack. They are held here only by their loyalty to their rat god, an entity not known to stay contained for long. Distant thunder rumbles as you cross the threshold. You give the bottle what may be one final kiss. There’s no turning back now, not for either of you.

Don’t listen to it, don’t try to fight that kid. A lot of people get that idea and the kid is prepared.

See I don’t actually remember being born and I’m not going to take the government’s word for what happened. I think that I simply grew in the ground as a mutant potato and was unearthed at around my supposed birthday. It would explain my natural affinity for lying around.

It’s true! He was visited by three ghosts and became a changed man. Just kidding! That did happen but he didn’t learn anything and remained a piece of shit. But! Then the mummified remains of Abraham Lincoln ate his face and he died. However! He’s been replaced by a mechanized version of himself, and it’s even worse than the original.

A bee petting zoo! Bumblebees are very cute and very fluffy. Having a petting zoo would help people get I touch with nature, and if the guests are too belligerent about it then the bees will just sting them. I think that bumblebees might also not die after stinging, and if so they’d learn how to fight humans. When the time is right you can unleash a swarm of cute fluffy bees trained in anti-human warfare. You could use them to crush any competition. If you still want more money you can become a bee-based supervillain and rob banks or something.

Huh, so that’s where those come from

Rust is when you run DOOM on 16 billion crabs. You can’t do that in other languages. Just ask Amelia Airheart.