As the title says, do you have any tips and tricks that you think are good for dealing with sudden outbursts of Dysphoria, so you dont feel like shit until you fall asleep (at least that’s when the Dysphoria ends for me usually).
dissociate
All glory to our lord and savior:
😶
Some tips that have helped me:
- learn makeup and do it even if you aren’t leaving the house, it can really help what you see in the mirror
- wash and style hair, take good care of it (learn how to take care of your hair - this was a whole thing for me, I have curly hair and learning the Curly Girl Method was life-changing)
- put on a cute outfit, again - even if you’re not going anywhere, it feels nice to wear affirming clothes, so do it for yourself (plenty of trans women will wear a bra & panties even at home, when sleeping, or other times others might not normally wear them)
- get nails and toes done (gel lasts the longest in my experience), this has acted for me as a daily visual reminder of my femininity
- for vocal dysphoria: hold the line, spend some time warming up and practicing the voice and then try hard to not let it fall back the rest of the day
- maintain a daily skin routine: find a good cleanser and moisturizer, and at bare minimum cleanse and moisturize your face before bed, and change your pillowcase once a week to help avoid bacterial breakouts; bonus points for using a good ceramide lotion on arms and legs, etc. (esp. where you get dry: knees, elbows, hands, and feet)
- prioritize hygiene, shower once a day and brush your teeth (some people rot, you will feel better if you look and smell nice - pick products that make you feel feminine, I love my lavender scented deodorant, and you can get fun body washes with scents you like)
- go out, sometimes the way I felt best was when I forced myself to feminize fully to try to pass in social situations - I noticed on days when I left my house and actually moved through society as a woman were some of my happiest and least dysphoric days (even when very insecure), esp. when people referred to me as miss or ma’am. Early transition this can be harder when fewer people see you as a woman, but I still think it’s good advice then, too. At the very least it forces you to do makeup and hair, etc. which helps.
- when dysphoria mounts into a crisis of doubt or imposter syndrome that makes me start to want to detransition, I found it really helps to journal - sometimes it’s good just to recall memories that remind you of why you are trans, but in my worst moments I found it helpful to engage in cold analysis: looking at what it means to be cis vs trans, what evidence there would be if I were a cis man vs a trans woman, and then comparing those to my experiences. Usually after a few pages of this kind of “objective analysis”, I finally get the bigger picture and realize I really am trans.
Generally, dysphoria is not as bad for me when other things are going well, e.g. if I’m well hydrated, had a good night’s sleep, and I’m eating healthy my skin tends to look softer and more feminine and is more likely to look “nice” to me.
So, follow the basic steps of being healthy as well:
- eat lots of diverse and healthy foods, including vegetables (avoid processed foods like frozen nuggets or pizza, prefer “whole” foods like baked sweet potatoes, beets, beans, rice, etc.); plenty of my mental health episodes are triggered by being dehydrated or hungry - keep on top of your needs!
- drink lots of water (drink a glass when you wake up, keep water near you all day and remember to actually drink water, drink lots of water with your meals - digestion dehydrates!!, and eat lots of water-rich foods like cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, etc.)
- practice good sleep hygiene: go to bed & wake up at the same times, keep a strict-ish schedule and make sure you give yourself ample sleep opportunity - be luxurious with your sleep and prioritize it over all else (esp. important when you start HRT, you might need more sleep as you undergo neurological changes - it really is a puberty!!)
- get regular aerobic activity, e.g. go for a 20 - 30 minute run a few times a week; stay as active as you can - get in walks after meals, even just walking for 10 minutes can really help the body and mind
- avoid stress and engage in stress reduction activities: take hot baths, meditate, give yourself breaks from work and enough time to come down in the evenings before bed, etc.
It’s less about being perfect and more about doing what you can.
Less conventional tips:
- blur your eyes a little or take off glasses if you have them when around the mirror, I find my brain-worms see a boy in the mirror the most when I have all the fine details, when the image is a little blurry, my mind is more likely to fill in the blanks and see the “girl gestalt” everyone else sees
- reduce exposure to mirrors, esp. in early transition when you look the least yourself (I promise it gets better the longer you’re on HRT); sometimes this just means don’t obsess, but sometimes this means taking whole days off from seeing yourself.
- spend time remembering your most euphoric and affirming moments, recall how you felt and stay with those feelings, close your eyes and replay those memories in your mind, affirm that you wish for yourself to feel this way in the future, explore what would make you feel good in the future, imagine and visualize a happy future for yourself
Premium comment, and yes to much of this to some variety.
Go out there and become yourself. Being the new you and taking care of that new human, whether better self care or different self care, is a learning curve but the best way to go forward.
premium, huh? Should I start a Patreon? 😝
Thank you for your compliments ❤️
And I think “go out there and become yourself” is a good summary, though I remember being very early in transition and feeling entirely clueless about what it meant to “be myself” - this phrase and language came up a lot, esp. from supportive cis allies. Everyone thought it was so great I was “being myself”, but I never felt my transition was ever about being myself, really (or what that meant, even).
After decades of repression I was so dissociated and disconnected from myself, my desires, etc. Eventually I realized on a cognitive level that when I did things to facilitate feeling like a woman, I seemed to feel good or at least less bad (and feeling masculine made me feel worse). From there I eventually came around to “go out there and be a woman” - and that ended up working for me pretty well. I don’t know who I am, but I know being a woman in the world consistently makes me feel good.
All this to say, sometimes the trans experience can be fractured and difficult to piece together or interpret, and I try to be sensitive to that, since it is my own experience as a trans person. This makes it hard to summarize or communicate effectively for every kind of trans experience out there.
Some people have a good sense of self, some don’t.
I agree with you.
I don’t mean to hurt anyone with me shortening my words, I’ve been getting lost in my desire to write more and liked how I wrote it.
I’ve been on my own rough journey, I was lost in my armor well up til I hit 30’s, I remember the moment I saw my self for the first time and everything started making better sense. Going out there and becoming myself was just that. I had to go out of my comfort zone, challenge my fears and make that next step to figuring myself out and becoming me. My life didn’t start when I got married, when we had our first kid. It started when I came out to myself. All those were just layers of connection on top of my self. I didn’t know my self, so I just used my 「Autistic High Masking Magic」 to make a shell and navigate the world with no self guided direction.
<3
This is a huge help, thank you!
Dandelion, have you ever considered writing professionally? You answer so many questions with thoughtful, insightful, and exquisite prose. A “transition experiences guide” or a memoir from you would make for a delightful read.
Also, I definitely needed to read this comment today. I spent the day boymoding and doing home renovation and it was unpleasantly dysphoric. I am not intending to be misogynistic, because there are plenty of women around me absolutely nailing the homeowner thing, but standing on a ladder getting caulk in my fingernails and forcing a hammer drill into a wall is not my idea of a good time.
ha, I think you’re too kind 😅 I’m glad you are finding my comments helpful 🥰
While I haven’t ever seriously considered writing professionally, I have also never felt like I have anything to write that I thought fit a commercial purpose. Reading Julia Serano and Mia Violet have made me feel like I don’t have much to add, others have already covered it.
I think of myself more like a Wikipedia editor than an author, if that makes sense - someone in the background who wants to help make information more accessible, digestible, etc. - but not necessarily someone who has had any unique perspective that I feel the world is missing.
And I feel you on the home renovations, I couldn’t find anyone to fix some water damage in a bathroom after demolition and remediation happened, so I ended up teaching myself and doing all the construction myself - this occurred right in the middle of my social transition, and re-occupying that masculine role was very dysphoria inducing.
Nowadays when I’m engaging in projects that make me feel masculine like that, I like to do things that make me feel femme, like putting my hair up in a ponytail, wearing a busty / tight-fitting tank-top and tight jeans that emphasize by butt - that all definitely helps ground me a little in my femininity. The work is physical and invokes the body, so efforts to help me re-interpret that body in those movements really seem to help. Sometimes I can even feel proud of myself as a woman for the hard work I’m doing, rather than my old thinking that this kind of labor is expected of me because of my perceived gender.
this is genuinely such a helpful comment and many of these things have helped my dysphoria in the past. not OP but thank you for this
Thank you
