If you’re close with your dad you can ask him why. He has to explain himself. It’s likely he will explain things that he didn’t want to. There is the issue. If they filed, civilly, for divorce and then this happened, I know it would still be upsetting, but he did things in the wrong order. You can love someone who’s done something shitty. However, it’s their responsibility to provide you with an explanation. Just don’t make the same mistakes he did. Ever again. I’m so sorry. Please go out and get a nice supper. It might help.

You should do whatever you want to. Don’t let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it’s justified).

It’s frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it’s extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.

Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.

You don’t need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn’t appreciate that, you can stop.

I feel you. I went through a similar ordeal 30 years ago with my dad. You should not be in the middle. It’s your parents business about their marriage. Therapy is good suggestion from others.

Your choices, as you’ve presented them, are so extreme. Cut your dad off forever and move out, or… do nothing?

Let’s set your mom’s demands aside for a second. Do you have any reaction to him cheating on his wife? How do you feel about that?

You should act based on how you feel about it. And if your mom is incredibly wounded by it, that can absolutely be a factor in how you feel. “Wow dad you really hurt mom. That sucks.”

I’d think that cheating on your mom should have SOME effect on you. You say your relationship with Dad hasn’t changed. Is that true? Or is it only true in comparison to your mom’s extreme demands?

Basically, stop playing this like it’s all black or all white and realize that you have a million ways to react to this situation that are in the middle somewhere.

You’re not a bad person for not moving out immediately. You actually might be a bad person if you have absolutely no problem with the cheating. But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad.

I’ll tell you right now that your Dad has rediscovered sex after aging a bunch and perhaps feeling like he’d never experience it again. That is a powerful experience for him and he won’t easily cast it aside. If you value your relationship with him, I wouldn’t try to take that away from him. He’ll react like a dog when you try to take away the steak it’s eating.

But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad. That seemed worth saying twice. He should listen to you if you think it was wrong. He should listen to you if you are upset that he hurt your mom.

If you really just absolutely don’t care about your mother or the cheating… I don’t know what to say about that. It seems pretty cold and inhuman.

What your dad did was wrong and it’s understandable your mom would want to end her relationship with him, however that is between them and you should not have to end your relationship with him over it

You’re fine. Your mom has legitimate pain but she’s no right to pressure you to end your relationship with your dad.

I have very very little respect for people who cheat in a marriage instead of getting out; but it is clearly not your mom’s choice to make.

If you’re closer to your dad, then stay with him. Explain to your mom that you’re not trying to attack her, but choosing your own well-being first (as you should).

You staying with your dad, at least in your mom’s eyes, is you choosing the new chick over her also.

And if thats what you want to do, so be it. But you’re actively choosing another woman over your mother.

Think of it like this: Someone was caught doing x. X being any deplorable act you wanna fit in there. Let’s say being racist to the point of violence.

Said member of that race who you’ve hung out with comes to you, tells you what happened, and asks you not continue hanging with said person or else they’re going to deem you racist too.

Although you don’t have any racist views, and although that person has never been racist to you since your not that “undesirable” race, you continuing the relationship puts you in the racist category.

You could stop the relationship although it hurts. And in doing so you may even help the person learn the errors of thier ways, or atleast the consequences of their actions.

Or you can say nothing and allow the racist tyrad to continue.

…fuck…that is very hard. This is not your relationship, nor did you cheat, and their problems have now been made yours(ish). I’m sorry you’re caught up in this.

That said, your mom raises some excellent points & personally I’d be inclined to live with her. She is correct. But we must also acknowledge that she is way too close to this situation & is blinded by hurt, rage; women are prone to making decisions based on emotion & not logic, reason. How much more when she is cheated on.

The fact remains, this man is your biological father. Personally, I think it is time to reassess the depth of your relationship due to his adultery. But to cut him out entirely, forever is kind of stupid, too. That is your father. You only get one father. Your relationship to him is different than your mother’s relationship to him. You can distance yourself & react appropriately to his impropriety without…completely destroying the ties of family. It will hurt your father’s feelings, and you know what? I think he should have his feelings hurt. A little. Understand, he threw your mother away, treated her very badly.

But what’s done is done. This is the family you have now, and you have to decide what is right for you. If you don’t leave your father & distance yourself at least a little, she’s right, you do condone his actions & you’re hurting your relationship with your mother. If you care about that. But I would keep those lines open, and your mother will fuss, but explain to her that is your biological father & you have made the decision to keep in contact with him. That is your right, as his child.

No you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your dad in your life. Any reputable family counselor would say your mom shouldn’t be asking you to pick a side. Your mom does need support though, but it isn’t your job. What your dad did sounds really hurtful to her, as it would be for most people. Maybe he is your best friend, but being a parent is more than being a friend. It means being a role model & wanting to teach things like honesty & respect, especially for the people you’re supposed to love.

Has your dad offered to pay for counseling for you to process these things & talk to a professional about? It sounds like you could probably use it. I don’t know how old you are, but given that you’re asking the question here & the way you’re asking leads me to believe you’d be much better off talking to a professional about it.

My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.

I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.

I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.

He lied, snuck around, and betrayed his wife. You think he won’t do the same to you? Interesting…

Don’t let her use you as leverage.

The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.

Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.