I don’t know if it’s scary, but in the absolute core of my existence i just need my life to stop sooner rather than later.
I’ve always been a bit suicidal leaning but when i was stopped i never had the courage to try again.
Every single day my mind tells me “would’ve been better if you did, it’s all a big shitshow anyway” it never misses a day. I keep telling myself to not listen to it but i do agree.
I had a certain circumstance a couple yeara ago where i was close to dieing and it brought me peace…i felt calm and became accepting of what was to come (despite the intense pain). Wife calles an ambulance which they refused to send as we were too calm for it to be believable, so we took a taxi and that’s when they got to see the pain i was in and realized time was running out quick.
Bla bla bla etc etc, i got sent home a while later and the same pain returned…excruciating bone wrenching all encompassing pain and all my mind had to add was: “if this is real, just go to sleep and you won’t have to wake up again”.
And i did, despite this absolute tormenting pain i fell asleep so peacefully and convinced of it all ending…it was such a relief.
But i woke up after…shit.
That’s the darkest corner of my existence.
That’s a wild ride. Hopefully you’re at least pain free now.
I don’t love the idea of continuing on, but I’m not suicidal. Let’s just say, if things were to end suddenly, I’m ok with that. I’ll see you all later (or not, who knows?).
As long as my life isn’t constant torture, I’m ok continuing on, as long as I’m able to help those that I care about. They’re my reason.
I intentionally make up horrors and monsters to lurk in the shadows or under my bed. Sometimes when I can’t fall asleep, I stare at a corner of the room, imagining some unsettling creature that could be lurking there, staring back at me (if it has eyes at all). I imagine something reaching up to grab the leg I’m stick out over the edge.
But they can’t actually get me. They’re created, sustained and dispelled by my will. They may stare at me, reach for me, but they’re powerless. When I’m done with them, I send them back to the half-existence in the collection of ideas I built them from.
It’s a cruel power fantasy, to make up monsters incapable of understanding that they’re the lesser horror between us, but it’s fun.
It also seems to help me sleep, but that might just be the fact that focusing my brain on one thing quiets all the background noise.
Similarly, the lines painted at the bottom of the pool became sharks when I jumped off the diving board as a child.
I never once really thought that sharks had somehow been smuggled into a shit little public pool, but that hammer head was real as hell until I’d crawled my way to the exit ladder.
Covid probably saved my life.
I got bullied for about 5-6 years in school which ultimatively led to me just wanting to kill myself. Luckily for me the lockdown came so I got freed from the nightmare called school. My will to live devinetively improved, when not getting bullied the whole time you are sitting in class. However, when being in the lockdown I devinetively didnt process my feelings and thoughts about how I wanted to end myself. This led to me having almost a fill scale emotional breakdown mid class when school started, since we have been reading a play where someone killed himself and therefore learned stuff about the whole topic of suicide/mental health. Suddenly you realise, that all this shit kind of sounds very familiar for you which was quite overwhelming, but you can’t let anyone see whats happening because that shit devinetively is going to get you bullied again. I never talked to a therapist about this and at this point it isn’t needed, since I just went on and processed that time of my life for myself. I also kind of realised some time ago, that I also never told my family about this, but it isn’t really relevant anymore and us just going to cause feelings of guilt in them for not acting.
Therapy might still be a good idea in the future, trauma can show up in quite unexpected forms.
I’m really glad you’re doing better!
I also have mental health problems, not as bad as what you describe here, though.
I used to find myself stuck at home spending my time staring at the wall because I just can’t leave the house. Having lockdowns during covid made me feel normal for a change. I was just like everyone else, stuck at home.
I’m glad you’re better now, but like the other commenter said: This trauma can come back in unexpected ways and it’d be a good idea to prepare yourself for when that happens.
Just to make this clear. I have completely dealt with all the shit I went through during that time and I have completely processed everything. I have accepted it as a part of my history and I Am completely fine with it. Theres nothing left to talk about in order to learn something about myself that I dont already know. I seriously dont see a single point where this is ever going to cause any problems in my future life.
You don’t know that, you most likely pushed it down and covered it up, because that’s what people with trauma do. That’s not processing it. The scary part isn’t what you can imagine / see causing the problems, it’s what you can’t imagine.
But at the end of the day it’s your life, do what you want
I devinetively didnt suppressed it. I did in fact thought quite a lot about it and also talked about it with people. The process of me processing that time also wasn’t something that was a week or so, but it did in fact took quite some time.
“People” doesn’t mean a mental health proffessional. But again, you do you.
I realized I was trans in middle school, i said something suicidal to my friend and he told on me. I never really talked to the therapists because my mom was very homophobic. I got put on antidepressants and suppressed my feelings so hard I can hardly remember my childhood.
5 years later my depression went into “full remission” couple of months before I came out. I then 180°d and got sent to the psych ward for suicide ideation this February.The only thing that stopped me from killing myself is the realization that my cat would be rubbing against my body for pets in the ~10 hours it would take for my family to find me. I was planning to buy a knife after work but broke down in the bathroom.
I’m glad you’re still here.
I’m glad you stayed.
No matter what I do for self-care, my toenails are very sharp. I have accidentally made deep cuts on my own feet as well as others many times.
Yeah mine are like that. I got a 10 cm gash in my leg while I was sleeping.
When I was a kid I told a Special Ed teacher who I trusted that one of the gym teachers was having sex with high school students and grooming girls as young as 14.
Rather than report this to the authorities he told the gym teacher what was said. The next day the gym teacher (who was a big former semi-pro football player or something like that) cornered me and intimidated me into shutting my mouth.
2 years later a former student confronted the gym teacher’s wife. In the fallout his behavior came to light and he left our school and went to teach a few towns over. The Special Ed teacher joked about it after the fact.
It was probably 20 years before I fully understood the scope of how disgusting that situation was.
Big props for you trying to get people involved though, most obviously did nothing.
I can see true magenta. And it ain’t pink.
Cliffhanger
This made me learn about tetrachromamcy and now I feel like Tetrachromamcer should be a class in D&D.
Are you one of those 4-cones people?
Wait a second people genuinely think magenta is pink?
Commonly it’s thought of as between red and purple. I don’t know where pink comes from.
My ideal partner would have exactly identical personality to me.
In highschool I would regularly imagine a “perfect crush” during bus rides. In my last year I had that “damn I was an edgy asshole during middle and highschool” moment and I wanted to change.
So since my friend group is also jerks like me I just started imitating that imaginary person until “fake it til you make it” kicked in.
Everything from my sense of humour to taste in music changed over time. I even became a slightly bit more feminine when I used to be hardcore Matt Walsh fan until this point.
I also got hobbies I just thought looked attractive like Archery. I got into computers because this.
I read somewhere ages ago that you should become the person you want to be with the most, which I think is great advice. And less about searching for someone else who is that. Sounds like this is what you did.
I have no how many people I have killed probably alot wars crazy
My knife collection began because I was suicidal.
To keep myself around I got a bunch of knives so I wouldn’t pick a favorite and “dissapoint” the others.
…I got better.
I love this so much, is it that you have a lot of empathy?
Yep – It’s a gift & a curse.
I find it super easy to put myself in other people’s shoes and see what they’re going through, but I have a hard time expressing my own feelings. It’s turned me into a bit of a loner, but I do have a small circle of people I know & trust that I can be myself with.
Out of all the reasons/sotires I have heard about why people didnt kill themselves this is by far the most absurd.
You know, that is one of the most creative safety solutions I have heard. Glad you came up with it (probably due to still wanting to fight). The fight never stops, hope you are still doing well.
I have my moments, just like everyone else, but I have more good ones than bad ones. I do have a genuine love for knives though now, and still don’t have a favorite.
I keep seeing videos of a guy who buys TSA confiscated knives by weight & laughs at them for sucking, and I laugh harder because my angsty teenage self collected a lot of them back in the day.
Suppose I have it similar, don’t remember when exactly I got into knives but was depressed since 14 so it correlates.
I was witness to a very gorey and fatal lathe accident. It was bad enough that they shut the shop down for a month and paid for some therapy.
Jesus fuck that sounds bad… sorry about that.
That shop took a lot of shortcuts on safety. I had to pull a dude out of a mill to prevent a 2" drill going into his head because he tripped into it. Never again will I standby as I put my own hands at risk for efficiency over safety.
I once walked around for two days with a piece of someone else’s bone stuck in my thumb.
You can’t just drop that with no details!
He got in a fight. Probably a piece of tooth got lodged in his hand for a couple days.
Ackshually… Tooth isn’t bone
When I was younger, I believed that if a woman was raped, it was her fault for what she was wearing. My highschool friends called me the most unempathetic person they’d ever met and I was proud of that.
Thankfully I’ve turned right around on all that and learned empathy. I’m ashamed for my younger self, but I know they were just doing the best they could with the very few tools they were given.
I am in the same situation. “When I was a child I was the most unhinged asshole I know” is extremly common in this community and I have no clue why.
My parents made me way too casual of a liar…
Okay it might have been my fault
When I was a kid I had a hypothesis that autistic people simply lacked souls and that that explained their symptoms. (I don’t think this anymore)
