Our DnD discord group has a whole ass ‘out of context’ channel. Best decision we’ve ever made, granted half of them is my character, the party clown. Here are some other bangers over the years:
- “She knows how to ride a clippity clop.”
- “Ah so you want it so when you die there’s a magical turfwar over your body.”
- “the horse is a horse…i dont think he understands the concepts”
- “It’s not Delivery, it’s Human Trafficking!”
- “Don’t tell my dad I died for toenails”
- “It’s pulsating. It shouldn’t be because it’s a fucking rock.”
- “Jesus Christ! I mean… Bahamut Jr!”
- “There was a scary forest!” “SCARY FOREST IS NOT AN ANSWER”
- “That’s Renn! He’s like a dead squirrel.”
- “Who wants to do coke with the illithid?”
- “I agree, other voice in my head.”
- “When a corpse bee and another corpse bee love each other and don’t dance…”
- “I emotionally abuse you and you bring me waffles. Thanks babe.”
- “Does your house have a garden?” “Probably.”
- “Should I go… unwhisk it?”
- “I heard it from the Oracle Beyoncé.”
- “HOW DO YOU LISTEN TO AN EAR?!”
- “I’m sorry Renn, I love you, but fuck the rich.”
- “I forgot that we have one brain cell in the party and it currently blinked away.”
- “We can have one little terrorism. As a treat.”
- “Hey, it’s not our fault this Earth Elemental is made of door.”
- “Roll a d20.” “10.” “…fuck.” “Does that fuck up your plans or mine? (Panicking)” “Yours.” “…fuck!”
- “If you would be inclined for a little adventure today, would you mind following me? Oh and it’s mandatory because I’ve already made arrangements.”
- “Can we just like acknowledge that she just did the anime “Oh ho ho ho!” laugh when you called her out on that?”
- “You ripping peoples faces off, that’s entirely on you. Get some help.”
- “I’m-uh-w-Lady… I’m not above hitting a woman.”
- “I have cocaine, does that count?”
- You ate a goodberry so you should be full for the rest of the day" “True” “Well you can be full and a fatass” “Just shut up and play your silly little game with your silly little characters and don’t come for me like that”
- “Does a 26 hit?” “… fuck you.”.
- “Why doesn’t Misty have a mustache?”
- “No matter who you play you gotta either fuck with his body or his heart!”
- “The undead not dead thing is right” “Please call me Renn” “I’ll never remember that” “It’s literally shorter”
- “Why must I be surrounded by lesbians? … I fear your kind.” (For the record this was said by both a gay character and player)
- “Can I pick up Renn? He’s a twink, right?”
- “You’re a second rate duelist with a third rate meal”
- “Just gives me the confidence that she would choke me”
Okay sorry I ended up pasting way more in than I expected… I just love this group and don’t get to share these with anyone. Just such ridiculous nonsense.
Edit: Also I just remembered. I actually do have the context for that ‘no no thing’ line. That one is mine from my 7’2 barbarian aarakocra jokey boy. We recorded parts of sessions and caught the no no thing bit. Here if you wanna listen to it. although I don’t blame you the slightest if you don’t.
I’ve also got a stupidly long soundcloud clip of highlights from a game a couple months ago here. It includes a bunch of the quotes pasted above.
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Roll 9
DM: Ok you have a 9", ribbed pink Zeltronian cock
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“if I die, I die holding vampire smut”
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“I guess he’s going to fist fight the helicopter”
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“Is this because we didn’t have sex yet?”
Okay. Do tell?
Long term 5e game, was in it’s 4th year. Wife was playing a lvl 15 cleric that had taken a vow of celibacy but fell in love with an npc. They had been courting for about a year in game and she was about ready to break her vow, changing her alignment, and multi classing her character. But a cataclysmic event occurred causing the complete destruction of the capital city, killing thousands. As meteors of fire rained down on them, they ran through the city towards the air ship docs. As the npc rounded a corner, I had her roll to see if he misses getting hit by a ball of fire. She rolled just well enough that he misses dying, but is at 1 hp (I gave him 10). Bleeding from a massive head wound, she takes the half speed penalty to help him the last 200 ft to the air ship. Forgetting she had a mace that let her cast a teleport spell up to 1,000 ft to any place she was familiar with.
I make her roll every 30 ft to avoid another strike. She passes most as I set the DC only at 12. But about 170 or so ft with one roll left she nat 1s. She then looks up at the sky and screams “IS THIS BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX YET?” I asked her if she is asking her god, and she thinks for a second before saying “Fuck it, YES!” So I tell her, as the words leave your lips, a sudden burst of energy and inspiration strikes you, and you remember you have magic that could get you to the ship. Her eyes go wide, and she yells “SON OF A BITCH! I cast teleport from the mace to bridge of the ship.” She and her Partner instant teleport.
After everyone else gets aboard, the airship begins to lift off. I make the party roll one last avoidance roll so the ship doesn’t get hit. 2 nat 20’s and the rest in the mid to upper teens. So the ship flees the city as it burns and crumbles into flame, ash and rubble behind them. Danger averted, and with questions of what exactly happened. She grabs her lover’s hand and storms off to her room yelling to the party. “Don’t disturb us for at least and hour.” The table erupted in laughter and cheers and I describe them marching below deck followed by the slamming of a door. She broke her vow, leveled up and multi classed her cleric into a rouge.
Oh man, that was far more awesome than I thought! Thanks for sharing!
I take the boner pills.
“Birdie, I need a pipe bomb”
NPC: “It’s my job” Player: “everybody check your asses for bugs!”
“Why TF does it have thoughts, it’s not Rattatootoot”
(In the thickest Russian accent): “Still your fault, fuck you!”
“Fuck it, all the gnomes are French now, hon hon hon motherfucker”
P1: ”He checked my dick, my dick was fine” P2: ‘He sucked it dry it was so sublime’
”Can I store things in the dog?”
NPC: “Where are you going to get a baby dragon?” Player: “We’re going to make one”
Man, we ended up setting up a wiki for all the ones from my last campaign… it’s down at the moment, but here are a few I have saved on my phone:
“My companions and I are professional adventurers” “Some of us more professional than others…”
“For no sexy reason, what does the pope look like?”
“Also, I’m not doing terrible! But I definitely just got stabbed.”
Bard: “No, this is wholesome [Bard] moment! Anyway, how much money do you have?”
Sorcerer: “[Ranger], we are about to do some wacky-ass magic” Ranger: “In that case, I would like to watch it from over there.” Sorcerer: “I will not be doing it. I will be joining you.”
GM: “Divine and wild magic start pouring into and it’s likeHave you ever licked a battery?”
GM: “Divine, chaos, and dragon magic flows through you—” Bard: “And bardic from the inspiration!” Ranger: “Oh I can add some ranger nature!” Sorcerer: “And I have one that can help! I cast minor illusion to make a “do not disturb” sign.”
“If I take one more step, it’ll be the furthest I’ve ever been from home…” “You didn’t even have to step.” “If I take one more interdimensional vortex…”
“Your left or my left? You’re an orb.” “I am.”
“Float like a flowerpot, sting like a school bus.”
“it’s not a nuke, is just a AOE building remover”
“we need a bigger nuke”
@nothacking @Stamets @rpgmemes
Thats just dnd in general right there
In a oneshot of Monster Of The Week:
“Did The OrganisationTM supply us with a flamethrower?”
What kind of two-bit good-for-nothing organization wouldn’t supply you with a flamethrower?
Ours.
Turns out the only fire damage we had in our stash was an enchanted dagger.
In retrospect, I should have asked for incendiary ammunition. Among the five of us, we had at least three with guns. Or taken a bit of gas for our car to turn into Molotov cocktails. Ah well, it was a oneshot that happened more than a year ago.
“I’m going to walk back to the lake to have an existential crisis. Oh and on the way I cast Polymorph and turn our Ranger into a spider.”
- “there are no werewolves in the god damn park”
- “Fuck you I’m going to the Prince for this”…“ow hey why are you hitting me!?”
- “This has been a weirdly sexual night”
- “The sword of Cain has fallen and it fell where it pleased!”
- “If you do that you’re gonna have to drop your alignment to chaotic evil”
- “Turns out i can afford a rocket launcher”
This isn’t strictly no context, but it blew me away and I wanted to share it anyway.
I started D&D with the family over quarantine. They had a quest to clear the goblins out of a mine. They got inside and dealt with most of them. They over powered three of them and tied them up, so that they could be interrogated.
My 9 year old then decides he wants to murder them.
Our faces when we realised our child was a murderhobo.
I have several, but my favorite is probably “I am this group’s current resident expert on whatever the hell that thing is!”
This is excellent. Bahamut junior got me.
If all four of us work together we could drag the door.
Funny you should mention dragging a door, some friends and I managed to manifest a magical cart under some huge adamantine doors so we could cart them away. It was lovely.
