Trigger warning for everything I guess, idk, just ranting and screaming into the void here, read at your own discretion.
Very bad idea to vent about what I’m about to vent about in a mental health community of all places, but don’t got much else to go to these days so, fuck me I guess.
spoiler
Actual unpopular opinion here (and very rambly/incoherent, be warned) but: I’m so, so, SO fucking exhausted and utterly SICK of being forced to bottle myself up, to rot and suffer forever, to be stuck in a rut against my own will - to be condemned to never, EVER have anyone in my life in ANY shape or form but for abusive, manipulative, narcissistic pieces of shit. All anyone or society has to say to me - if they even bother in the first place - is “save yourself” “go outside” “keep to yourself” “seek therapy” and that’s it, that’s ALL I get, then get told to fuck off if I don’t take that as gospel.
Not even gonna bother to comprehend that some of us AREN’T stupidly lucky, rich, have loving parents, any actual friends, and can afford anything we want at will? That some of us live in the global south with VERY little options or things to do? (Not mentioning the whole “no democracy, no rights, no freedoms” thing that most of the world still shares in common-) That there’s less and less to do outside anymore in the first place? Everything costs money and is only getting more expensive? That mental health professionals are not a magical fix for literally fucking everything and everyone - not even mentioning that most of them Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. About you other then taking your money? Not gonna bring up how inefficient and backwards mental health care is in general? Not even gonna bother to acknowledge all my experiences with all of this shit and how utterly useless it all is? No? I’m insane for even questioning that? Okay then, guess I’ll die alone and be blamed for it.
The only reason shit like the right to die isn’t cared about is because we want more labour and people to exploit, we would rather inflict infinite suffering upon others to gain more for ourselves then bother with ANY semblance of care or mercy to those that genuinely do NOT want to be here and NEVER asked to be born. Fuck. All. Of. You.
Even acts of “kindness” and “tolerance” are temporary and done only to look good in the public and slowly regain control over people, look at the complete 180 turn going on right now against queer people, who I sadly happen to be apart of. Not the first time this has happened, every goddamn time throughout history ANY progress is made for JUST a brief moment in history, humans being humans lose their shit and push us back 500 steps backwards for years and years on end, we’re stuck in an infinite loop of our own making, and refuse to change, instead blaming others and throwing “you must change” “you can’t control others” “save yourself” while those same people do whatever the fuck they want at your expense, and don’t you DARE question it or else. So that’s fun, we’ll never change, this is how it’s always gonna be until the end of time…
“Get help” = I don’t give a fuck and am saying that to look good, be rich or die/end up in an insane asylum loser lol.
“Find ways to cope” = shut up and figure it out on your own, or else we’ll mock, lecture, berate, and harass you over it until you completely shut the fuck up and vanish out of everyone’s sight, and even then we’ll still laugh at people like you because your a loser, cope lol.
“Find things that you enjoy” = I don’t care, don’t care if your completely dead inside and nothing makes you feel good or distracted beyond 2 seconds in a day of brief vague enjoyment that gets harder and harder to achieve as you completely run out of coping mechanisms, go away, you make me feel bad, just ignore all your feelings or something, go stare at a wall, idk, idc. Oh and we’ll also randomly make you feel guilty about doing things you enjoy and not working literally 24/7 and contributing to society over yourself non stop just because, and then blame and harass you for getting stressed out and confused lol.
“Save yourself” = I don’t give a fuck about whatevers stopping you from actual doing anything and want you to go away, you make me feel bad, ew.
“Nobody owes anyone anything” = the only vaguely truthful quote people toss around, but also perfectly describes everything I hate with humans: we don’t owe each other anything, including basic necessities, peace, stability, compassion, support, dignity, to live without fear of constant violence and discrimination for not perfectly conforming to what others want out of you, etc etc. unless you have something to give that they want and for however long they want it, then fuck you, die lol. Oh and we’ll blame you for it too, all your fault buddy, should’ve pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and been more to our liking and or rich, your stuck in a self limiting loop bro, nobody will save you :)
“Go outside” = I’m very fortunate and privileged, live in a bearable society, am fortunate to have stuff around me other then exclusively work, the same small 3 public parks at most, and basic necessities and literally nothing else, and assume everyone has the same privileges and will NOT comprehend anything else.
“Seek professionals” = go to people who just want your money and may or may not even help, or even make things worse and toss you to the police, but we don’t care, shut up you asshole - how DARE you criticise therapy as not being a magic fix for everything??? We’re giving you HONEST, TRUTHFUL advice and you DARE flame us for copy and pasting the same bullshit over and over again on anyone dealing with anything??? Go away loser, die, be stuck forever chasing after self help scams, medication to “fix” you, not being able to work because of mental health and not being able to fix said mental health because of money which needs work (“your self limiting bro” sure, whatever you say…), and ungodly expensive therapy that very clearly isn’t working for you for the rest of your miserable existence lol.
“Be yourself” = presenting how you wanna present to a certain degree (but also not really but we’re not gonna say that out loud lol-), so long as it’s trendy and cool to do so as well, but if tomorrow we suddenly change our minds then fuck you, you don’t deserve to exist anymore, don’t care if your minding your own business and not harming anyone - ew, your a weirdo, die, we’re gonna make it our whole goddamn life mission to make sure you and anyone like you will NEVER rest for a second lol.
“You can’t help someone who can’t help themselves” = I legitimately could care less about you and am barely hiding that anymore but I’m still gonna gaslight you over it lol, oh what’s that? Life will literally NOT give you a single opportunity to do anything about your situation and keeps violently beating you down again and again everytime you make ANY vague progress on anything? You’ve done this and tried that for years and years? Have nothing to fall back on? No support, no friends, nothing? Skill issue, have the same tone deaf copy and paste pieces of “advice” and fuck off, save yourself crippled and handicapped loser, go take a walk or something lol.
“Never rely on others” = oh what’s that? You’ve had an abusive childhood, never had any friends, any love, any support, anything at all and are starving for anything at this point? Your completely and utterly lost because of how much society has bashed you into the ground and need an anchor to heal and build yourself back up to avoid drifting off into a black hole? NO, SUFFER FOREVER, EW - HOW DARE YOU NOT BE A MODEL CITIZEN NPC??? HOW DARE YOU THINK FOR 1 SECOND??? HOW DARE YOU WANT OTHERS TO GIVE A FLYING FUCK??? NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING, HUMANS ARE TERRIBLE AND AWFUL - STRANGER DANGER - KEEP TO YOURSELF - SAVE YOURSELF - EVERYONE IS THEIR OWN ISLAND - DO LITERALLY EVERYTHING BY YOURSELF (somehow?) (galore) - except when it’s convenient, on media, and makes us look good then we’ll suddenly pretend we’re all family and ignore any and all mentions of our hypocrisy and make you look deranged to others instead and rally them against you lol :)
So on, so forth, it never ends, don’t even get me started (toxic/fake positivity, fake empathy/sympathy, following trends and norms no matter how unhealthy it is for all of us long term, how little of a fuck we give about how normal and common abuse and neglect is, how children and teens are nothing but property to society and have no say in anything, politics and religion as a whole, most cultures and mindsets in general, ageism, sexism, gender, capitalism, our hatred for honesty, difference, expression, vulnerability, minorites, losers, etc. unless it’s convient or beneficial for us to think otherwise, how moronic and fucking evil we are, how greedy, how selfish and inconsiderate, how bloodthirsty we are, how hypocritical and double sided we are, how much we just can’t get enough of suffering and agony and will NEVER stop fucking ourselves over and over again and blame it all on each other just because, etc etc. just - fucking everything man, it LITERALLY. NEVER. ENDS. It’s an infinite list-), everyone’s a fucking hypocrite, nobody cares, everybody’s just out for themselves and to feel good, and thinking for just a split second is enough to get you forever outcasted from all of society, forever. Ignorance is bliss. Literally. Anything else = endless suffering.
No creature on earth is as cruel as man. Unless your stupidly lucky, an NPC that can walk through life without a thought, or are rich enough to ignore all of society or influence it directly: there’s nothing good about us, we’re worse then ANY other animal out there. I wish I was born a bird man, this is hell…
Pick your poison I guess: forever be alone and isolated and fend for yourself 24/7 until the end of time, or be forced to perfectly conform to others demands and MAYBE you’ll find community, maybe. People literally just can’t comprehend anything else, it’s either hyper individualism or hyper collectivism, this is all you get.
Anyways, alien rant over, I know I’ll get dogpiled into oblivion for venting all of this out there, I know how people are so, whatever, back to my daily rotting and unable to do fuck all else but despair, shut up, and suffer until I go insane and burst. No hope. No future. Nothing. Forever. I love life.
You seem to have your mind made up that things can never get better, so I don’t think there is anything I can say to you that will get through. But the fact that you posted something online rather than keeping it to yourself makes me think that there’s still a part of you that doesn’t feel that way. I think reddit banned you because, well it’s reddit (what did you expect?) but also because you’re acting like you’re the only person who struggles with this sort of stuff, which can make other people feel invalidated.
Anyway, I think you would do well to consider that you may have a distorted view of yourself and the world because of your experience so far. If you’ve lived your whole life in the arctic, it’s easy to believe the whole world is frozen.
If your family is cruel to you, that’s unlucky that you were born to them, but it says nothing about you. And just because you’ve never found people who accept you YET, doesn’t mean that you won’t. You can choose not to believe it, but there ARE people who don’t care about things like status or social skills, and who are genuinely caring. I know because I’m friends with some. I can’t really recommend anything in particular, because I don’t know you or what your life is like. I will say that the reason people recommend hobbies isn’t because it can really fill a void in you, but because you could use it to meet people like you. And any group that is more marginalized or countercultural is likely to be more openminded.
Like you were saying, you’re in a cycle that’s hard to break out from. (no friends -> poor social skills -> harder time making friends. bad life situation -> depression -> harder to change your life ) Personally, I’m in the process of pulling myself out of a similar sort of cycle. It’s easy to see yourself as worthless because of where you are in life, but that’s a bit of an illusion. You’re currently the worst version of yourself right now, because you’re running on empty. The best version of yourself isn’t some abstract impossibility that you missed your opportunity for, it’s actually just you with a full tank and some time. Dismantling all of the negative cycles you’re stuck in is extremely difficult, and setbacks are an expected part of the process. But you’re not doomed to live the rest of your life as you are now.
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Hey, I was just saying reddit is a shitty place, not that you deserved it. Also I’m not sure what you want me to elaborate on. You can’t expect me to give you specific instructions when you say nothing about yourself.
I would encourage you to be empathetic to others, and try to put yourself in their shoes. If if you’re speaking to other people like you are in this comment, it’s not surprising they don’t want to be around you. (I know you’re suffering and you probably don’t mean it to, but this comment comes across as very combative and hostile, which would put many people off.) I’d recommend you read ‘how to win friends and influence people’, or at least check out an article or video summarizing it.
Also you seem to have a made quite a lot of assumptions about me. I’m not claiming to know any sort of higher truth, not sure where you got that from. I’m unemployed and never had a real career job, I’ve never been in a real romantic relationship, and I’ve spent days straight laying in bed too depressed and anxious to leave the house. I just know that I used to not want to be alive and now I do. I’m making progress very slowly, even when it doesn’t feel like it. And it’s mostly because I’ve put effort into friendships with others, and because I did a lot of introspection and changed how I view myself and the world.
Literally elaborate on anything that your saying, anything at all. And are you even willing to actually bother with that if I do? Something tells me not.
Ah yes, show empathy to people when they won’t ever do the same and could give less of a fuck and won’t ever appreciate it to begin with. Sure. Sounds fair. Definitely doesn’t sound like a recipe for disaster. Definitely haven’t already done that for years and have only been repeatedly betrayed and hurt and abused as a result without fail. It does absolutely nothing for me or the other person, they do whatever the fuck they want regardless, it’s always completely one sided for me, always, nobody ever tells me anything, nobody is ever fucking honest for 1 second, you clearly can’t comprehend how infuriating and suffocating that is.
If your just talking about some really basic shit like “don’t be rude to strangers” or whatever then yeah, no shit, I default to that when masking to get by, obviously, right now I’m just letting it all out, I don’t talk like this to anyone outside of these spaces. Also legitimately fuck you on that one, nah I’m not giving you the benefit of the doubt for tossing THAT at my face, I’m done forcing a smile at you people when you could barely empathise less, how about YOU go through hell from day 1 of birth, have not a goddamn soul in your entire miserable existence but for your abusers, and then try to communicate with a world that will NEVER understand or care for you? Good luck keeping a smile with that, let alone your sanity. Again your not listening, your not bothering, so I’m not gonna repeat myself on anything anymore.
As have you dude, your not even trying or listening anymore. Your clearly never gonna tell me anything beyond vague bullshit that I can’t even work with and the same common pieces of advice that I’ve tried my whole life and is clearly leading me nowhere but straight into a fucking black hole, nah, I’m done, this is no better then walking in circles with fucking chatgpt, my bad for crying out and existing, guess I’m just meant to be forever lost, alone, and broken until I go insane, thanks for confirming that and lying to me the whole time, have a good rest of your day.
Hey again. Please don’t see this as a negative comment, but I really want to take the time to dig into the message they sent, since you were immediately shown negativity in that other post, and this person genuinely seems to show care. You may be misreading their comment as malicious or inherently negative.
I want to note that they noticed your efforts to escape this torment in their second sentence, and then made a statement (while calling out reddit for their ban-happy approach,) noting that you’re not alone and that countless of us are going through it too. To note: That one commenter from your last post was way out of line from not paying attention to the community your post was in, and how varied all of the communities here are on Lemmy. Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t pay attention when scrolling all, and chime in to conversations where their input does more harm than help… but that’s a bit unavoidable with anything freely accessible online it seems. It’s not the norm, albeit that was super unfortunate that it happened during your first attempt at being vulnerable here.
The next bits may be harder to pick apart if you’re already seeing them as someone being confrontational, but it feels like they are genuinely sharing their ideas that many of us care about individuals outside of social status, and sharing that hobbies have been an alternative for them to find support in communities outside of work. That they are trying to share how they cope with the chasm in their heart.
They then relate to their own experience of seeing themselves as worthless, and the struggle that it takes to escape - noting that they themselves are still in the process. They then share their mindset of looking to a future vision of themselves, and recognizing how much energy and effort it takes to even make the slightest steps forward.
It’s good to vent, and it’s good that you’re actively trying to find help, though misinterpreting their message only stands to hurt the both of you, and I feel that it probably did. As an outside observer, I can see how their message was only meant to help and try to build solidarity, and from your end I can see a trauma response that I know all too well. That there are going to be jerks on all social media, but I can see that they didn’t mean to drag you down or demean your struggle either.
No idea why your still here but, nah, I’m not at all seeing whatever the hell your seeing right now. I’m done either way, I’m pulling out, I’m clearly fucking doomed, the writings on the wall in bright red, I’m never getting out of this hellhole and I’ll forever be alone. My bad for wasting y’all’s time, I’ll go back to my inescapable fate and just hope to die sooner then later.