Back in 2019, I was broken up by my ex which pretty much destroyed me. Well, long story short…2 years later I met someone and against my best judgement we entered a relationship.
Today that relationship ended and, just like last time right before the 4 year mark. Except this time…it was pretty much mutual and while I did fight to the very end it was out of stubbornness. I was checked out for a while now. And while I do feel sad I didn’t expected this huge relief.
You see, Patty was, deep down, a good person. That’s why I took a chance with her and ended up together for almost 4 years. But from day one, she showed some serious SERIOUS emotional problems.
Patty had a temper. A really bad temper. Any kind of frustration or, god forbid, criticism was responded with evil eyes, silent treatment or outbursts. Communication was very difficult. It was really ridiculous. It did improve after the first year. But it was always a problem until our last fight that lead to the break-up. In the end, she herself faced the fact she was hurting me bad. I had developed major anxiety when I was with her and walked on egg shells constantly. By the end I developed stress migraines and even had some panic attacks when talking with her.
Patty was also the most negative person I know. Everything was awful for her. She hated Easter, she hated Christmas, she hated birthdays. She didn’t like much to socialize and that caused my own social relations to deteriorate. Every time we talked she was complaining about something. Her parents, her coworkers, her school, everything. This was a woman that in the 4 years we dated went through 5 different jobs. All ended the same way. Everything was awful, everyone was out to get her and she eventually quit all of them. The last one she quit without an alternative and dedicated herself to school. Everything was awful, everything was bad. And when I was trying to be positive she would constantly drive my mood down. She didn’t make a single effort. She was seeing a psychologist since before I met her. A year ago she told her she couldn’t help her and she had to see a psychiatrist. She refused, she said she didn’t like psychiatrists that they would only medicate her. I actually gave her an ultimatum which I eventually didn’t follow, to my regret.
She had no hobbies and no interests. I tried to show her movies and shows and she did like a few. At home she watched…zero. Still, she was always complaining she was too stressed when all she did was revisiting the stuff from the job that day and didn’t take a second for herself. Oh wait, she did. She liked to read. I actually showed her Orwell’s 1984. She couldn’t go past the first chapter. All she read was self-help books from questionable charlatans and acted like it was literature.
She did had her good things, of course. But I wonder if it was even worth it. I wasted 4 years on this out of my own stubbornness. I feel fine for now but I can feel the up and downs coming. As soon as I start to miss our routines and familiarity I will get very sad. But when I do all I have to do is remember the outbursts, the childish discussions that went nowhere and the constant negativity. Right now…I actually feel relief.
I’ve been in this situation, years ago. Maybe a decade. My ex didn’t have a single hobby, and much like what you described, she was the same as yours. I’ve learned to stay away from potential partners without hobbies. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, but there’s something there.
My current girlfriend has waaaay too many hobbies, and while it drives me nuts, it makes her happy, which makes me happy.
Anyway, that’s my experience, but this isn’t about me. I’m just sympathizing with what you’re saying. Good luck out there. Things get better, and maybe now you’re a little more experienced in what you want and what to look for and what to avoid.
I feel like someone without hobbies has no outlet. Everyone has emotional baggage, but if you never do anything with it, the only receiving end will be their friends and family.
Hobbies also show that the person is capable of starting and finishing things without someone else’s input or support. If you can’t maintain some plants or a drawing, how do you expect to maintain something as complex as a relationship
Everyone has emotional baggage, but if you never do anything with it, the only receiving end will be their friends and family.
Boy, do I feel this. In her case I took the brunt of it, her parents got the rest. Her friends only got her best side.
The fact that you feel relief after this relationship ended is a sign that you are better off without her. Focus on yourself, what makes you happy, reconnect with your friends and family. Every relationship has its lessons to learn from before moving on to the next one. Take care of yourself and do something that you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t (or wouldn’t) when you were together, enjoy the freedom of being single. From one internet stranger to another, I wish you the best of luck in your new adventures :)
