I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.
Hey homie, I see you’re a Canadian, so if you also are an Ottawan and want a sympathetic ear I’d be happy to buy you a beer and chat, and/or help you drown it out for an evening with pinball and loud guitars if that’s your speed. Serious offer - if it’s of interest don’t hesitate to PM, if not no worries whatsoever. Edit: Shit - based on your MP you’re not. Offer amended to if you take a trip out here/an open PM inbox
There’s a lot of good comments in this thread. In my experience, it’s a combination of factors - sometimes a product of your ex shit talking you to your friends, if they were “both of your friends”; often, simply a lack of ability to really relate/be helpful in these situations, and over time getting frustrated with that situation and just saying “bro, get over it”. Guys often have a hard time sharing their emotions or holding space for those of their friends, for a lot of reasons.
I have more thoughts on this stuff, but don’t know if they would be useful to you. The only thing I can tell you is that it can be a dark, lonely and painful road. But it can get better, and to be crude - it is 100% not worth killing yourself over some bitch (because, based on what you’ve shared, that’s how she specifically was behaving and acting towards you) who made you feel like shit for a long time. All that would mean is that you let her define how your life ended. Fuck. That. You’re worth more than that.
You are heard! ❤️
Counseling. Please. Quickly.
Weekly. Last session was yesterday.
Good for you. Keep at it, and don’t just think all counselors are the same. If yours is not working for you, just change. No real counselor will be upset if you do.
They will never suggest change themselves
This is the fourth counselor I have had in my life and this guy is by far the best one. I was recommended him by a coworker whom I respect very much.
Medicine helps too. I’m on Bupropion now, after having suicidal thoughts on Lexapro.
It’s been good for me; it has completely eliminated the ideations, even though things in life have actually gotten worse.
I am on lexapro for 5 years and honestly i didn’t think about swapping stuff. Maybe i should ask about adding welbutrin.
If you still have a decent hairline be aware that Bupropion is the antidepressant with the strongest association with hair loss according to a meta analysis from ~5 years ago. I know it nuked my hairline after just 3-4 months of being on it.
And to reply to your original topic, yeah, women receive way more support post-breakup in my experience, while men are expected to just suck it up. As a male you’re treated as disposable whose worth is based on what he can offer others, while women are inherently valued for being female.
It is what it is.
Dude. Coming off Lexapro SUCKS, but I’m glad i did.
That’s why im afraid to do so. 5 years taking it. I feel really good on it though, but maybe the effect has faded and I cant even tell. But when i got on it i felt so good.
That sounds really tough and I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. It’s really good that you have a counselor and you’re talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I’ll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm’s anytime.
Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.
I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.
I think the devil is in the details…
I have a couple who were close friends, they separated and initially we tried hard to support him as it seem he would have continued the marriage but she was the one moving away from it. Our thought process at the time was “she has something to look forward to, he seems to feel left behind”
We did not treat her badly or anything but did basically cater to his every need, providing as much support as we could.
Then, once the initial shock was over, he started attacking her in every possible way. And on top of that, he started shunning our every invite under the pretext “he didn’t want to accidentally run into her” which was complete BS as we did not regularly hung out with her.
Finally, she was so broke after years of court battles that she opened a go fund me campaign and we donated some money. Well well well, this friend who had all but shunned us suddenly calls me raging that I am helping her and by doing so undermining his righteous effort to take vengeance on her.
All of this to reiterate that the devil is in the details… were these friends actual friends of yours before the divorce? did you concern yourself with their needs back then? have you been an asshole to them before, during or after the divorce? There is a real chance these were not great people to begin with, but I find it hard to believe that all your true friends decided to just ghost you for no reason whatsoever
Shitty friends.
Anecdotal, but this has been my experience in every big breakup. All of them were abusive, most physically so, and all of them got to keep the shared friend group. People are shit.
Hey man. That sounds insanely hard, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with it alone without support.
Just want to say that I’ve had a similar experience. When I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago at 27, I was and still very much am so frustrated, disappointed, and heartbroken by the lack of support around me. My family and friends didn’t reach out in any way, acted like nothing was happening, I was dealing with it on my own, without so much as a “how are you doing?”.
I don’t have much to offer you, I don’t have answers. But I know when I went posting online looking for some, the solidarity of others with similar experiences helped keep me sane.
I’m a nice, good looking, talented young dude. It’s not me, it’s not you. At least for me, I happened to grow up in a culture where men don’t show feelings or need support. My girlfriend gets more support for dealing with my condition. It frustrates and saddens me beyond belief.
The small solace I’ve had is that I’ve been given the gift of knowledge through this experience. I’ve dealt with my mortality very young, and have a perspective on life my friends couldn’t have yet. There are others that get it, and you’ll find them. I lost who I thought were my close friends but gained close friends out of people I rarely thought of as friends at all.
People suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish. A lot of people do care but you can literally get cancer and they won’t break social norms to show it. Don’t take time waiting for these people. In my experience, the cancer wasn’t the hardest part. It was this part of losing all my friends and family. People don’t want to be around hard stuff.
Good luck, keep yourself grounded. It’s not you, it’s our broken and fucked up society. Find those that have dealt with these things, and focus on the dumb, small things that make you happy. I’m rooting for you.
Speaking from my experience, I get very overwhelmed with empathy when someone close to me is going through something as difficult as an illness, divorce or job loss. I want to be as supportive as possible, but also know that there’s usually little to nothing that I can do, and then I get overwhelmed by the feelings of helplessness. I will let them know that I’m there for them if they need anything, and I will check in from time to time to see how they are doing, but I always find myself avoiding talking about the ‘real issue’.
I know that I’m included in the ‘people suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish’ - even knowing that, I have a hard time addressing it. Even when the roles have been reversed, after I lost my job and people stopped reaching out to me, I knew exactly why… I was making them uncomfortable and they just didn’t know how to deal with it. And even then, I had no idea what I wanted from them, other than for things to just be as they had been before.
Even after my own experience, when a close friend of mine lost his job I dreaded talking with him because of the helplessness that I felt at being able to do anything for him, and the reminder that at any moment I could be in his shoes again. It sucks, it’s a massive character flaw, and it is even worse that I’m aware of it but so far have been unable to change. I still love my family and friends, I just don’t know how to show them that during their times of greatest need.
Thanks for that perspective, I really appreciate it actually. What I landed on, and what ultimately helped me move on to the point that I have, is really accepting that people DO care, but just don’t have the tools to address it. Which may or may not be their fault, but I don’t have time to wait around or, much worse, help and support them to… hopefully one day support me?
My diagnosis gave me the shift of mind to realize I’d been making space for other people’s flaws and thereby sacrificing my needs. So I’ve left room for them to come back into my life, but am not wasting any energy waiting on support from them.
If I may offer my point of view on what I’ve needed in my situation - the bar is through the floor haha. Honestly I just need and want validation. My mom finally came around to acknowledging my situation, but just dumps a bunch of toxic positivity on me, e.g. “Just keep your head up and everything’s going to be great! Everyone has problems they deal with, eat right and exercise and everything’s fine”. My former coworker just responded with recently “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say”. And frankly that moved me to tears. I just want someone to say “that sucks, I’m sorry.” That can literally be it, just an honest space and acknowledgement. Life is hard, and sometimes it’s great. But ignoring and shunning the hard parts makes them harder and more lonely. It makes me feel gaslit constantly.
Everyone needs different things, but that’s been my needs during this time. What I hear over and over is “oh I didn’t want to impose or remind you of it.” Fam. It’s on my mind. All the time. Even when I’m happy, it’s not far. I want to talk about it, deal with it and work on it, them move on to the rest of my life. I’m more than my cancer and refusing to acknowledge it makes it my whole identity.
Anyway, this has been helpful and felt great to talk through. Thanks
If you are even asking this question, or asking such a question on this website, you are 0-10 behind.
Capitalism’s need for men is exponentially decreasing. Big milestones: industrial revolution, 1970s, big tech’s dominance.
amksenin, what the FUCK are you talking about?
What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.
I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.
Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).
If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.
It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it’s pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.
We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.
Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.
Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.
BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
Those “two” possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.
People generally don’t going around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.
I’ve never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it’s a start.
