Im male born, but i dont feel particularly “male” so to speak: currently im non-binary bc i dont feel i belong to gender categories. Its just like im mentally in a gender-limbo and i think ive been in it my whole life, but its not concrete, as in sometimes i wish i was a girl (this happened also when i was a kid) but at the same time i feel like the categories of binary gender arent fit for me. Im just confused as in what i am. From the outside i think im generally seen as male but inside it’s kinda like i don’t care but i don’t like to be in the gender binary but i wish i was more “girly”. Can anyone relate?
If it helps, both I and a close friend feel like gender is one of those social concepts that them and I just don’t fully grasp due to our autism. That’s not to say it’s not valid for autists to strongly identify as a specific gender, binary, nonbinary, cis or trans! But i definitely don’t feel like I have a gender at all. I do enjoy to be androgynous though. I can only encourage you to try a more fem look when and if it’s safe and see how you feel! Maybe even just at home at first.
Gender is a spectrum and that also includes the intensity of those feelings. You don’t need to place any specific labels on yourself but that is certainly relatable to someone like me who is genderfluid, as well as those of us in the system who are demigender. - Cass (xe/xem)
Gender as a social construct tends to pretty strongly fall under the umbrella of “this is one of the arbitrary societal rules” that you run across just about everytime you talk with a regular person for me. I like being male, but all the trappings of being male, like muscles, beards, beer, bars, hunting, whatever, are only there because people say they belong there, and not because that is a thing I feel makes sense on its own merits. Essentially, long flowing wedding dresses as daily office wear on men would make just as much sense as a suit and tie does.
However, gender, for me, very specifically has me appreciate what I was born with. I like having a beard, I like having muscles, and I like the traditionally masculine clothes I wear. These things just aren’t really connected to my self-perceived identity as a man. I wear my clothes because they feel right, not because they’re what men wear. I keep my beard because it’s fun to have, not because men have beards.
I think the autism just makes connecting “this societal trend tends to read as male or female” to “this is how I feel as a man/woman/other” a lot harder for us than it is for most people. The only reason I even learned about what being trans feels and looks like is because of the people in my life who are trans. If they had instead transitioned and just said nothing beyond “use this name and pronoun”, I don’t know how much I would have actually noticed about it. I had siblings penciling mustaches on years ago and just kinda went “fashion lmao” and didn’t look any deeper into it. Like, my parents asked me specifically about the mustache, and I brushed it off, because all trends are arbitrary to my eyes; this was just one more thing on a long list of things that don’t have to make sense to be followed as a rule.
Similar for me.
I understand I’m born male and I also enjoy very heterosexual life, but I don’t really express lots of masculine traits. It just doesn’t fit my personality. Also imagining myself as a woman is kinda nice, but I also don’t really have a strong desire to go down that route and I feel like in some ways I’m more myself when I just don’t think about the concept of gender and think more about what is me.
There will be a day where I will proudly wear skirts outside but I don’t have one to fit my size and it probably wouldn’t look good on me right now. But I will get there and I’m in no rush, life is a fever dream anyway.
So can I relate? Hell yeah. It’s probably a bit different to you but when you’re not necessarily fitting in anyway it’s easier to come to realize who you are and start searching for how you wanna look and who you wanna be. Just don’t force yourself. If you wanna wear a skirt, try it out. If you wanna put on make up, try it (one of my friends literally gifted me some).
Fuck everything, we’re on a big rock in space fired upon by sub lethal rays and people pretend to do something and be someone every day even though everyone’s just winging it. No one is wise to their identity, some people are complacent or ignorant, but as long as you feel kinda good today, then you did something for yourself :)
im pan but i relate to this message, one day id like to wear skirts
I’m non-binary and trans-femme. I am taking feminizing HRT but I have zero desire to pass as a cis woman. I want to exist within the deconstruction of the gender binary and be a shining example of humanity fitting into the queerness that is all around us in nature. It’s sometimes a scary place to exist, but it feels very authentic to myself, and has contextualized a lot of my childhood in a way that makes a lot of sense. Seems like you could be similar, but maybe leaning more into gender fluidity than totally trans-femme??
This is the first I’ve heard of HRT but not for the sake of passing - mad respect to you for being brave enough to make your own path, I think that’s really cool.
There is a big overlap beteen the autism and queer communities.
Something about realizing you don’t fit neurotypical expectations and boxes.
At some point i realized that while online, i have absolutely no need nor experience gender. Like there is no difference in how i read or reply to your comments wether i would be male or female. Same goes for playing most games, though in rpg i may pick any.
I do experience gender in some situations, as a partner and parent, because there having a gender makes actual sense. I am not at odds with my birth assigned sex i just dont require it all the time and enjoy experimenting with gender non-conform behaviour.
Also since i am married i am no longer looking to find a life/sex partner and in a professional setting should strive for gender neutral behaviour anyway.
As terminology i identify as mostly non-binary, fluid across the binary line but skewed to one side.
Yup. I spent a lot of time as a kid standing in front of the mirror wearing a towel pretending it was long beautiful hair
Grew up in an era before the idea of nonbinary was even spoken
Decades past puberty before I even realized I didn’t have to consider myself male, way too late to do anything about it
People I used to call friends were disturbed by my lack of masculinity my entire life
90% of the time I just want someone to hold me while I cry and that hasn’t happened since I was a child
Gotta be strong, gotta be the breadwinner, can’t be vulnerable, can’t be empathic or concerned with the wellbeing of others
So now I’m just a sad old man that never really enjoyed sex with anyone and never felt part of the ‘guy crowd’ that maybe shouldn’t have been a man to begin with.
Just to put the cherry on it: I was built 6 foot and solid, zero external feminine traits
This gives so much perspective, and feels like not being alone, thank you.
Sometimes I struggle with my own, internalized expectations of masculinity and that the world expects a 6’8" guy who also has 0 external feminine traits to behave “like a man” doesn’t make it easier.
I’m so incredibly fortunate to have found a strong woman who will hold me when I cry and loves me for my sensitivity and empathy.
None of this means I’m gender fluid, I’m… okay, relaxed, not unhappy with my masculinity, sometimes I can even revel in it. But modern sentiments that deconstruct social expectations of gender roles have made it sooooo much easier to just exist, even as a cis man for all the times that I strongly deviate from them. It’s only that societal expectations have been internalized hard by my generation and it can still be such a struggle.
Comments like yours make it easier, because I know I’m not alone in this. Thank you.
I used to feel similarly. Now I identify as genderfluid transfeminine.
I get it. For convenience and ease of use for interacting with the general public and the government, I’m basically a girl. (born AMAB). However like, I’m a girl only in the way of those sculptures that are different depending on the angle you see it as.
like, yeah sure I’m a girl on a line graph but my gender exists in a 3 dimensional plane and you’re only looking at one.
Im a bi guy so take it with a grain of salt but I’ve always preferred tomboys and feminine guys.
this sounds a lot like me! i’m autistic and female born, so i kind of switch between nonbinary and masc/male. right now, i just identify as nonbinary transmasc. i think im seen as female on the outside and i don’t really care, but at the same time, i wish i looked and was seen as more male.
I don’t know anymore about myself, either. I have a penis and testicles. I call myself a boy/man. I tend to relate to a lot of girly stuff, though. I like girly things more than traditionally boy things, for the most part. When I think about myself, I don’t even really think about gender or my sex. I would rather be treated like a girl than a boy, sometimes. But I also don’t want to remove anything from my body. Is this what gender fluidity feels like, or what?
